Tailgating is what separates the United States from the lesser nations. It's a grand celebration of gross excess, overindulgence and crass, conspicuous American consumerism. God, we love it so.
We drive our oversized, gas-guzzling 4x4 pick-up trucks to the hangar-sized wholesale supermarket, load up on industrial-sized packages of food and beer and then spread it all out across countless acres of dirt and blacktop among a nomadic, colorful, flag-waving encampment of 25,000 overstuffed vehicles outside a glorious, 80,000-seat arena. Thousands of tailgate kitchens are quickly pieced together and we proceed to stuff ourselves as if were our last meal before battle.
It's a spectacle so grandiose, it makes you realize why your grandparents dropped everything and fled festering cesspools of humanity like Europe and Asia. It also makes you thankful for the effort. Hey, your family could still be living in a socialist hellhole like France, where even a simple heat wave is cause for a humanitarian
disaster. Instead, you live in the first country in the history of the world where even the poor people are fat
. Quite an accomplishment for a long-suffering species plagued by famine over the past 10,000 years.
In other words, tailgating teaches us that it's good to be American. That's the lesson we derive at every single tailgate. They simply don't have the means, space, desire, vehicles or ability to do this at soccer games. Sh*t, in many parts of Europe, they shut down all the pubs and restaurants around soccer stadiums for fear of drunken riots. We mock their lack of tailgating proficiency.
Of course, tailgaters achieve varying degrees of success in this, their patriotic duty. We're here to help everyone improve. Below are our tailgating essentials – tips from expert chefs and tailgaters that will make your tailgate feast a more memorable experience. We'll be adding plenty of new information here throughout the tailgate season.