Bonzo's useless 2008 mock draft

Here it is, the moment all pigskin primates have been waiting for with baited breath and dingy yellow, tobacco-stained teeth: Bonzo the Idiot Monkey's second annual "let's make a mockery of the mock draft" mock draft.

 

Last year, in our effort to prove the futility of the mock draft, our beloved Bonzo pulled 32 names out of a hat, essentially replicating the "I'm making it up as I go" efforts of the used-car salesmen of sports that are the mock-draft "pundits."

 

Sure, when it comes to picking games against the spread, Bonzo has bested every single expert from CBS Sportsline for two years in a row by randomly flipping a coin. But his first mock draft last year did not go quite as well: Bonzo was just 1 for 32 with his 2007 effort.

 

Of course, that was only two picks worse than Scouts Inc., the so-called draft authority that spent countless man-hours with its "experts" studying every possible angle of the draft, yet nailed just 3 of 32 picks in their 2007 mock draft. Given Bonzo's limited cranial capacity and rudimentary clucks and whistles that pass for speech, we're calling 2007 a draw with Scouts, Inc. They truly are an embarrassment, even in the embarrassing skid row of low-lifes and no-lifes that is the mock draft.

 

One reader last year pointed out a major handicap of Bonzo's 2007 mock draft method of piling 32 names in a hat and pulling them out in order. Basically, it seems the odds of pulling even one of 32 names out of a hat in the right order are infinitely small.

 

So, to give our little primate pugilist of pigskin "punditry" a fighting chance this year, we pulled names from two seperate piles of picks. The first pile contained the 18 names most football observers expected to go in the top half of the draft. The second pile contained 20 names most observers expected to go in the second half of the first round.

 

Still completely random, though we did make on concession: Miami has already committed to Michigan OT Jake Long with the No. 1 pick, so every mock draft "pundit" has slid him into their top spots if they hadn't already. We give Bonzo the same courtesy here. The rest is a swing-by-the-tail romp through the jungle of mock draftery that we're sure will give the used-car salesmen a run for their greasy money.

 

Pick	Team	Player	Position	School
1	Miami	Jake Long	OT	Michigan
2	St. Louis	Matt Ryan	QB	Boston College
3	Atlanta	Leodis McKelvin	CB	Troy
4	Oakland	Jeff Otah	OT	Pitt
5	Kansas City	Darren McFadden	RB	Arkansas
6	N.Y. Jets	Ryan Clady	OT	Boise State
7	New England	Vernon Gholston	DE	Ohio State
8	Baltimore	Glenn Dorsey	DT	LSU
9	Cincinnati	Chris Long	DE	Virginia
10	New Orleans	Rashard Mendenhall	RB	Illinois
11	Buffalo	Mike Jenkins	CB	South Florida
12	Denver	Keith Rivers	LB	USC
13	Carolina	Devin Thomas	WR	Michigan State
14	Chicago	Chris Williams	OT	Vandy
15	Detroit	Derrick Harvey	DE	Florida
16	Arizona	Jerod Mayo	LB	Tennessee
17	Kansas City	Sedrick Ellis	DT	USC
18	Houston	Branden Albert	OT	Virginia
19	Philadelphia	Gosder Cherilus	OT	Boston College
20	Tampa Bay	Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie	CB	Tennessee State
21	Washington	Kentwan Balmer	DT	North Carolina
22	Dallas	Aqib Talib	CB	Kansas
23	Pittsburgh	Brian Bhrom	QB	Louisvile
24	Tennessee	Calias Campbell	DE	Miami
25	Seattle	Brandon Flowers	CB	Virginia Tech
26	Jacksonville	Phillip Merling	DE	Clemson
27	San Diego	Quentin Groves	DE/OLB	Auburn
28	Dallas	Kenny Phillips	S	Miami
29	San Francisco	Felix Jones	RB	Arkansas
30	Green Bay	Limas Sweed	WR	Texas
31	N.Y. Giants	Jonathan Stewart	RB	Oregon

 

By Kerry Byrne