Bonzo's useless 2008 mock draft

Cold, Hard Football Facts for Apr 25, 2008



Here it is, the moment all pigskin primates have been waiting for with baited breath and dingy yellow, tobacco-stained teeth: Bonzo the Idiot Monkey's second annual "let's make a mockery of the mock draft" mock draft.
 
Last year, in our effort to prove the futility of the mock draft, our beloved Bonzo pulled 32 names out of a hat, essentially replicating the "I'm making it up as I go" efforts of the used-car salesmen of sports that are the mock-draft "pundits."
 
Sure, when it comes to picking games against the spread, Bonzo has bested every single expert from CBS Sportsline for two years in a row by randomly flipping a coin. But his first mock draft last year did not go quite as well: Bonzo was just 1 for 32 with his 2007 effort.
 
Of course, that was only two picks worse than Scouts Inc., the so-called draft authority that spent countless man-hours with its "experts" studying every possible angle of the draft, yet nailed just 3 of 32 picks in their 2007 mock draft. Given Bonzo's limited cranial capacity and rudimentary clucks and whistles that pass for speech, we're calling 2007 a draw with Scouts, Inc. They truly are an embarrassment, even in the embarrassing skid row of low-lifes and no-lifes that is the mock draft.
 
One reader last year pointed out a major handicap of Bonzo's 2007 mock draft method of piling 32 names in a hat and pulling them out in order. Basically, it seems the odds of pulling even one of 32 names out of a hat in the right order are infinitely small.
 
So, to give our little primate pugilist of pigskin "punditry" a fighting chance this year, we pulled names from two seperate piles of picks. The first pile contained the 18 names most football observers expected to go in the top half of the draft. The second pile contained 20 names most observers expected to go in the second half of the first round.
 
Still completely random, though we did make on concession: Miami has already committed to Michigan OT Jake Long with the No. 1 pick, so every mock draft "pundit" has slid him into their top spots if they hadn't already. We give Bonzo the same courtesy here. The rest is a swing-by-the-tail romp through the jungle of mock draftery that we're sure will give the used-car salesmen a run for their greasy money.
 
BONZO's 2008 "LET'S MAKE A MOCKERY OF THE MOCK DRAFT" MOCK DRAFT
Pick
Team
Player
Position
School
1
Miami
Jake Long
OT
Michigan
2
St. Louis
Matt Ryan
QB
Boston College
3
Atlanta
Leodis McKelvin
CB
Troy
4
Oakland
Jeff Otah
OT
Pitt
5
Kansas City
Darren McFadden
RB
Arkansas
6
N.Y. Jets
Ryan Clady
OT
Boise State
7
New England
Vernon Gholston
DE
Ohio State
8
Baltimore
Glenn Dorsey
DT
LSU
9
Cincinnati
Chris Long
DE
Virginia
10
New Orleans
Rashard Mendenhall
RB
Illinois
11
Buffalo
Mike Jenkins
CB
South Florida
12
Denver
Keith Rivers
LB
USC
13
Carolina
Devin Thomas
WR
Michigan State
14
Chicago
Chris Williams
OT
Vandy
15
Detroit
Derrick Harvey
DE
Florida
16
Arizona
Jerod Mayo
LB
Tennessee
17
Kansas City
Sedrick Ellis
DT
USC
18
Houston
Branden Albert
OT
Virginia
19
Philadelphia
Gosder Cherilus
OT
Boston College
20
Tampa Bay
Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie
CB
Tennessee State
21
Washington
Kentwan Balmer
DT
North Carolina
22
Dallas
Aqib Talib
CB
Kansas
23
Pittsburgh
Brian Bhrom
QB
Louisvile
24
Tennessee
Calias Campbell
DE
Miami
25
Seattle
Brandon Flowers
CB
Virginia Tech
26
Jacksonville
Phillip Merling
DE
Clemson
27
San Diego
Quentin Groves
DE/OLB
Auburn
28
Dallas
Kenny Phillips
S
Miami
29
San Francisco
Felix Jones
RB
Arkansas
30
Green Bay
Limas Sweed
WR
Texas
31
N.Y. Giants
Jonathan Stewart
RB
Oregon
 

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