The Cold, Hard Football Facts crew relishes the opportunity to drink beer and eat Buffalo wings all day while giving you the ammunition you need to fire off facts at the ignorant and apathetic

 

But we also realize we don't hold the patent on exciting careers. Believe it or not, there are more glamorous, rewarding and slothful jobs that exist beyond the confines of our cardboard-box world headquarters. 

 

Like most of you, we trolls experience moments in the day – between the pain of the cracking whip and the tiresome ring of the life-sucking phones – that we dream of other ways to make ends meet. If we had our way, we'd be able to survive on righteous indignation alone, but that won't pay the bills. So we write today about jobs to keep hope alive for janitors, jizz-moppers, exterminators and lawyers everywhere. For your career-advancement pleasure, the Frankie Five today offers ...

 

... the jobs we'd like to have when we finally quit this sh*tty hell hole:

5. Porn Star

Okay, must we really spell out all the fringe bennies of being a porn – ahem – actor? It's better than an establishment acting career since you don't have to memorize those pesky lines ...  A well-placed grunt and a massive penis will do just fine!

4. Video Game Tester

Do you like sitting in a comfortable chair and talking trash while getting your Donkey Kong on? Or maybe you prefer to get down with your bad Madden self? In either case, this is the job for you ... Extra bonus points for getting paid like you work for a living.

3. Backup Quarterback

All the perks of the starting quarterback and none of the painful hits or annoying pressure to perform. Good pay, exciting travel, no heavy lifting. Unless you think a clipboard and the disrespect of your coach is heavy ...

2. Rock God

You thought you had it good digging ditches? Well, fans, think again. Try putting the "Rock God" title on the office door. Tired of sleeping with the same five women every night? Rock Gods get a new gaggle in every town. Do you have trouble staying awake all night? An endless stream of coke and the adrenaline rush of 75,000 screaming fans will cure that problem. Do you enjoy wanton hotel room destruction? Rock Gods have accountants to pay for it all. Buy your own escalator to hell and start practicing "Stairway to Heaven."

1. Stud Horse

We want Barbaro's new career. The Kentucky Derby winner has been on the Physically Unable to Perform list since the Belmont Stakes, but is about to become a true (repetitive) impact playa. He has the adoration of sports fans everywhere and now comes the best part: He retires to a farm where he'll have a team of people catering to his comfort and where his one and only duty will be to get his swerve on and produce baby Barbaros. This is employment nirvana. Giddy up, fellas, and spell-check that résumé!