As word about the power of the Pigskin Prophet spreads across the land, people see trolls everywhere. Our dirty, unshaven and unsightly mugs scowl at everybody from the front pages of the trailer-park market tabloids. Who are we dating? What are we wearing? How is it we can stand our own stench?

 

Intelligent minds want to know.

 

And so do yours.

 

Well, here are the answers: We enjoy dating and we've been linked to Angelina Jolie, but we'll only admit to being really close friends. We are most comfortable wearing things that hide our considerable girth and have stains on them. Stretch waistbands, Hawaiian floral patterns and oversized hoodies fill our cardboard-box closet. And, lastly ... what stench? We like the aroma of fetid taxi cab that emanates from our 1976 Pontiac Ventura and that clings to us like gaseous velcro (that's our sweet company ride right there).

 

All the media coverage and the glaring tabloid cover stories got us thinking: What headlines would we most like to see? It is with our newfound sense of self-importance that we now submit the latest edition of the Frankie Five ...

 

The five headlines we want to see while standing in line at Wal-Mart to buy chewing tobacco and pork rinds:

 

Wouldn't this be welcome news to any fan of rock-and-roll? Aerosmith made a cottage industry of self-destructive excess, while simultaneously churning out one classic stadium anthem after another. Then they sobered up.

 

We'd love to wake up tomorrow and find that our favorite nectar was actually good ... What? That's a real headline? Oh. We wrote it? Oh, um ... Well, it's still good to read. Why not read it again? Makes for great small talk during cocktail hour. We'll have a beer.

 

We long for the day when we find out that all the hard work and preparation we've put into our physiques finally pays off. It's not easy doubling your body weight since high school. The great ones just make it look that way.

 

Having trouble scoring that elusive ménage à trois? What if you could offer the third wheel health and dental? You may wind up with a buck-toothed bottom feeder in the cesspool of life, but you also get that notch on the belt. We say it's a win-win ... win!

 

It's painful watching a superstar carelessly destroy his legacy. Favre may have "fun" playing this season, but the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. Favre and his desire to have fun are the few. The Packers organization, its fans and the rest of pigskin-kind are the many.

 

(Click here for the previous Frankie Five: sitcom lives we desire)