By Cold, Hard Football Facts contributor Frankie C.
The life of a Cold, Hard Football Facts troll isn't always one of servitude to the pigskin public. We have been known to step out once in a while and interact with the rest of humanity.
In fact, we found ourselves out in public just last week, immersed in the microcosm of society that is the late-night lounge of the Chinese food restaurant.
The bubble machine and our favorite Julio Iglesias standards certainly set the bar high for a big night out. But what we saw there ran the gamut from disturbing to disgusting. The obnoxious, poorly dressed drunks, their fat paunches hanging over their belt buckles, scoffing down fried wontons, hitting on every lonely 55-year-old divorcée in the joint. And you should have seen the other guys.
The trolls don’t know much about fashion (single white gloves are out?), current events (Elvis is dead?) or personal hygiene, but there are two things we know like the backs of our sweating, hairy hands: Football … and dance.
At the risk of painting 65 percent of humanity with broad brushstrokes, we have something to report after our midnight visit to the Cathay Pacific: Middle-aged white and Asian men do not know how to dance.
We won't soon be confused with Baryshnikov ourselves. But let's just say we've got moves on standby that defy the laws of physics and decency. Good dancing is like good porn: You know it when you see it.
So, to help our dance-deficient friends like you people, the Frankie Five has compiled a list of dancers from the silver screen to pattern yourselves after. Next time you plan to head out for late-night mai tais and chicken fingers, make a stop beforehand at Blockbuster and study the subjects of this week’s Frankie Five …
… Movie Men Who Fail to Suck at Dancing:
5. Kid ’n Play (“House Party”)The No. 5 spot was a tightly contested race between Kid ’n Play and the Wayans Brothers from the movie “White Chicks.” In the end, we based our decision on this: If you want to study male dance, your mentor shouldn’t wear makeup or women’s clothing. Regardless, both duos can show a brother how to hip-hop … which is the chosen form of artistic expression for every middle-aged white guy who works for the CHFF.
4. John Travolta (“Saturday Night Fever”)
There’s so much to learn from “Saturday Night Fever.” How to wear a lily-white leisure suit. How to fake a Brooklyn accent. How to blow-dry your man-bouffant hairdo and get it to stand several inches off your scalp with over-the-counter ointments. It’s like getting a Ph.D in Cheeseology. The main lesson here, though, is how to disco in skintight poly slacks while juggling a pair of hard-up young babes. Tony Manero was the man we all wanted to be back in 1977. Here in 2006, we’d settle for fitting into our 40-inch-waist stretchy pants before grooving to the Muzak version of “Disco Inferno.”
3. Kevin Bacon (“Footloose”)
When we started at a new school, we typically ended up stuffed in a locker. Bacon’s Ren McCormack fought city hall, bagged the preacher’s daughter and turned an entire uptight town onto the magic of the spastic, skinny-white-guy dance. Bacon is the man. If you have trouble remembering him, just think of his Footloose co-star, Christopher Penn, whose brother, Sean, of “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” fame, was a guest of Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein, who used to work with a guy named Chemical Ali, who was in charge of genocide. So, next time you think of Chemical Ali, you’ll remember how to do the spastic, skinny-white-guy dance.
2. Gene Kelly (“Singin’ in the Rain”)
Let it never be said that the Cold, Hard Football Facts crew does not respect the classics. All of us know the scene of Kelly’s Don Lockwood toe-tapping his merry way down the street, far too happy to let a pouring rainstorm break his spirit. Maybe you, like us, have even acted it out. We wonder if you, like us, came to find out that there was a “pissing for distance” contest taking place on the roof above.
1. Patrick Swayze (“Dirty Dancing”)
SWAYZE, SWAYZE, SWAZYE!!! The final word on male dance is Swayze. He tops our list of guys who can teach you how to dance for many reasons. He can knock a flea off a dog from 200 feet with a flick of his hips, he coaxed an underage Baby out of her shell and into his obviously adult bed and then he proudly defended her honor after treating her like a kama sutra doll all summer. No one puts Baby in a corner? That’s right, pops. Leave it to Swayze to put her in the Dirty Girl Hall of Fame ... and teach all of us the No. 1 reason to brush up on our dance skills: It helps you bag babes – even the bored housewives you've been chasing at the late-night Chinese food restaurant lounge.
