“That’s what our game is about: our athletes and coaches playing at the highest possible level and being able to execute their game plans…To some extent right now, I think we are hindering that a little bit, because they come into an opposing stadium and they are not able to put the full offense in, they are not able to run plays in, they are not able to change the plays at the line of scrimmage.” – new NFL commissioner Roger Goodell

 

“[This] is the worst idea in the long, sad history of bad ideas. And I'll be there when you learn that.” – Dr. Ian Malcolm, "The Lost World: Jurassic Park"

 

By all accounts, new NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is a good guy. Folks who know him say he's decent, earnest and hardworking. A career NFL insider, Goodell reportedly loves football and has dedicated his life to improving the game.

 

Which begs the question: Why does he hate us, the loyal fans of Planet Pigskin, the folks who dish out billions of dollars and lifetimes of emotional capital to keep the NFL in business?

 

Goodell took over a league that has more issues than TV Guide. A revenue sharing plan everybody hates. Sometimes gawdawful officiating. No team in Los Angeles. Performance-enhancing drugs. Al Davis.

 

So naturally, his first priority as commissioner was to address that devastating national crisis that threatens to destroy the entire league: crowd noise.

 

In short, Roger Goodell wants you to sit down and shut up. He says that fans in some stadiums are so loud that they give their teams a competitive advantage.

 

No shit, Roger Tracy. That’s the point of going to the game. Fans WANT to affect the outcome. That's the point of home-field A-D-V-A-N-T-A-G-E.

 

But crowd noise, says Goodell, causes too many false starts and, by God, something's got to be done about it. And he’s just the man for the job.

 

Goodell is considering countering the effect of noisy fans (who in other businesses are often referred to as "the paying customers"). He wants to wire quarterbacks with microphones and put speakers in the helmets of the rest of the offense to offset the horrible, dire consequences of enthusiastic fans actually trying to help their team by cheering for them.

 

Not many people realize this, but the NFL already has a rule against excessive crowd noise. The home team can be called for a delay-of-game penalty if the officials deem the fans so loud that they affect the game. Goodell may direct officials to start enforcing the rule more vigorously.

 

"Don't get me wrong," Goodell said. "I love the 12th man."

 

And if you know anything at all about bureaucrats, you know that what he really means is: "I hate the 12th man. He interferes with the games on TV. Behold as I summon all my worldly powers to eliminate his stench from the face of Earth forever! Bwahahaha!!!"

 

The commissioner has declared a Global War on Football Fanaticism. He’s established The Department of Home-Field Neutrality. He’s signed the New England Patriot Act, demanding all arenas be as silent as the morgue that passes for Gillette Stadium. If fans raise the roof because a team enters the red zone, he’ll raise the Spectator Threat Level to “red.”

 

Roger Goodell might be a bright guy and turn out to be a good leader, but trying to put a limit on crowd noise is one of the all-time stupid ideas. It's Napoleon's Winter Campaign. It's the captain of the Titanic ordering "Full speed ahead." It's Neville Chamberlain waving around his mash note from Hitler. It's Mike Dukakis riding the tank or Bill Clinton riding the fat girl.

 

If this idea were any dumber, Goodell would be hit in the head with a flying Vonage box.

 

Mr. Commissioner, apparently you don’t get it. Is there any moment in all of sports more exciting than watching a visiting quarterback try to call an audible over a hostile crowd that’s whipped itself into a frenzy approaching the level of your average Cold, Hard Football Facts troll watching a Jenna Jameson video marathon? (Please note our gratuitous Jenna Jameson picture below.)

 

Or how about when a team is forced to waste a timeout because the stadium is so noisy, and then it gets even louder? Why do you think we go to the games in the first place? Why do you think we shell out all that money to go watch a game we could watch at home for the mere price of sitting through 150 “CSI: Miami” promos? So we can NOT be part of the action?

 

(For the record, the loudest recorded stadium noise we could find took place at the old Mile High Stadium in Denver on Oct. 1, 2000, when Broncos fans sustained a 128.7 decibel reading for 10 seconds during a rare home loss to New England. To put that into context, sustained exposure to 95 decibels can result in hearing loss.)

 

But this is what fans train for. This is why we stand out in the brain-melting heat and the internal-organ-and-vodka-freezing cold. This is why we drink all them beers and eat all them meats.

 

We do it for one reason and one reason only: to be belligerent, bellicose and a favorable factor in the outcome of the game. Fans don't test the limits of human endurance and pump their bodies full of alcohol, complex carbohydrates and grilled animal flesh so they can use their “indoor voices” once the game starts. You’ve got plenty enough of that from the brie-and-chardonnay crowd rubbing elbows with you up in the owner’s box.

 

By the way, Roger, we know that TV is all-important to the NFL. So just remember that raucous crowds make for better, more entertaining TV. You can feel the enthusiasm sitting on your couch at home when a matchup transcends a mere game and becomes an "event." Rowdy crowds attract enthusiastic TV viewers, commish.

 

We’ll concede that some of the NFL rules on crowd noise make sense. For instance, teams can’t use the scoreboard to whip the fans up with contrived nonsense like “Pump it UP!!!” or “Let’s Make NOOOISE!!!” while the clock is running. Fine. Real football fans don’t need that crap; we leave that to the NBA. Teams also can’t use their stadium PA systems to increase the volume. Fair enough. Otherwise, the NFL will degenerate into a battle over which team has the best Surround Sound system, and no one wants to see the Best Buy Geek Squad guys getting $10 million signing bonuses.

 

But beyond that, Mr. Commissioner, leave us the hell alone. We don’t want  to pipe down. We don't want anyone telling us to pipe down. We don’t want quarterbacks sporting microphones like the Burger King drive-thru kid. 

 

Here's what we do want after dishing out five bills for tickets, parking, food and beer: We WANT to affect the outcome of the game! That’s why we and Hank Williams Jr. hang out with all our rowdy friends in the first place. 

 

So back off. We won’t be silenced. We will be heard. You can squash our “excessive” crowd noise when you pull it from our cold, dead vocal chords.