The Ombudsdouche: Tony Romo & evolutionary theory

Cold, Hard Football Facts for Oct 31, 2009



By Mark Wald
The Cold, Hard Football Facts Ombudsdouche
 
Steelers 27, Vikings 17:  the game Cold, Hard Football Facts were waiting for. 
 
The game where Favre's gunslinging, his blundering—his lack of game management—cost his team the game, just like it has so many times before.  The game where the Vikings proved they are the clueless idiots CHFF said they were since training camp.
 
Nice try, CHFF.  Favre was the only player who kept his team in the game.
 
Credit for the victory in the Steelers-Vikings matchup last weekend belongs to the Pittsburgh defense.  Blame, if blame is to be assigned, falls on the Vikings pass catchers. 
 
Pittsburgh's defense hadn't been sharp this year. Against the Vikings, though, we saw shades of the Steelers defense from last year. All game long Steelers linebackers and defensive backs shadowed Vikings receivers, crunching them the second the ball arrived, knocking balls loose, knocking them senseless. 
 
It wasn't so much that the targets of Favre's passes let him down. They just ran into a good defense on a day it played great. It's no shame to lose to the Steelers on their home field. 
 
Favre was credited with two turnovers, but the fumble and interception were not his mistakes.  The fumble was a great play by the defense, the interception, a bungled catch. 
 
Oh ... Cold, Hard Football Facts casually acknowledged the turnovers weren't Favre's fault, but then blamed him anyway.  After all (wink, wink), the turnovers were officially credit to Favre. 
 
Not a surprise, really.  In a recent Q&A on WEEI.com, the Chief Troll was asked if CHFF was wrong about Brett Favre.
 
"No. Talk to us in January," was the Chief's smug response.
 
Kind of amusing. In the span of seven games Favre went from being such a liability that anyone who sniffs his direction (Vikings coach Brad Childress) must be smoking crack...to someone who is required to win the Super Bowl before Cold, Hard Football Facts will admit the Vikings are, because of Favre, a legitimate contender.
 
Not sure what you call this.  Some form of covering your ass, I think.
 
                                                            ***
 
The best quarterback in football right now? It's Drew Brees, according to Cold, Hard Football Facts. 
 
Drew f*ck%n' Brees?
 
"Gaudy numbers...all his weapons...firing on all cylinders...has a good shot of leading the first 600 point offense".
 
Well, lah-dee-friggin'-da.  Let's take a look at Brees' gaudy numbers:
  • Full seasons as starter:  7
  • Gaudy winning Seasons:  3
  • Gaudy career record as starter:  55-51
  • Gaudy record when 'Carrying a Team' (40+ passes): 10-28  (.263)
  • Gaudy career playoff record:  1-2
  • Gaudy career record in games decided by 7 points or less:  23-26
  • Gaudy record in December:  14-17
  • Gaudy record vs. team who finished with winning records:  19-30 (.388)
I read CHFF to cut through the bullshit, not to tout the latest statistical flavor of the month. Brees and the Saints look a lot like the Peyton Manning-led Indianapolis Colts, 2003 vintage.
 
Am I wrong?
 
No.  Check back with me in January.
 
                                                            ***
Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo, as CHFF pointed out earlier this week, is now officially among the NFL's all-time leaders in two critical measures of success: career passer rating and career yards per attempt. 
 
According to scientists, Romo is also among a group who possess two other traits:  an impish grin and an unsightly facial mole. 
 
Although not common, the combination is present in at least three famous people that we know of:  Romo, actor Robert De Niro, and actor Richard Thomas from television's beloved The Waltons.
 
In the case of Romo, the traits could help explain his quick rise to the top of the passing charts.
Dermatologists discovered in 2007 that people with moles have a biological age that is six to seven years younger than their less pigmented peers. 
 
Some scientists believe Romo's mole, coupled with his impish grin, provide him a competitive advantage.
 
Richard Miller, a Biologist at the Institute of Zoological Research in Dallas, agrees.
 
"It's related to Natural Selection, a key mechanism of evolution.  The female of the species is naturally drawn to the youthful virility of males who have moles, making it more likely the male will successfully reproduce".
 
Add to it the element of danger and mischievousness hinted at by the impish grin, and you have a combination females find impossible to resist.  After all, females have always been attracted to dangerous, bad-boy types.
 
"That's never been proven, although we've observed it in a few clinical trials", said Miller.  "But yeah, this guy is a real babe magnet."
 
So how does that translate into success on the football field?
 
"Romo's peers are at a genetic disadvantage. By possessing both an impish grin and a facial mole, it's no surprise he's connecting on pass after pass after pass. It's Darwin at work."
 
Miller said Romo might be even more dominant if he played baseball.  
 
"No question.  This guy would be one of the all-time home run kings. Minimum third base every time, for sure."
 
When asked if De Niro enjoys the same advantages, Miller responded, "This particular specimen was tagged by our field crew a few years ago. He's proved to be pretty elusive, residing in environments that make observation difficult.  But we have reason to believe the same behaviors are present."
 
As for Thomas, Miller chuckled, "John Boy is just too much of a weenie...even Mother Nature has limitations. Hell of a nice guy, though."

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