The Monday Hangover & the enduring stain of stripper glitter

This week's Monday Hangover was pieced together from blurry, splash-stained cocktail napkins while trying to wash away the misery of six four-TD blowouts and wash away all the stipper glitter and the stink from our clothing before the wives get wind of the $5-per-quart discount perfume they favor these days at the Sportsman's Lounge in Providence.

 

(Smells a a lot like urinals pucks, quite frankly ... but maybe we need to find a better class of seedy strip joint.)

 

In any case, this week: we hear the same old song and dance out of the NFC North, the Browns are so impotent that even Viagra and $100 bucks in the champagne room can't save them, and the Cardinals earn an extremely rare Quality Win for themselves and for the worst division in football.

 

A pair of late gifts from BrettFavre sunk what should have been a dominant day for the previously undefeated Vikings. Minnesota boasted:

The stat sheet says the Vikings were the better team. The scoreboard disagrees. The reason? Of course! The Vikings made more mistakes. 

In the end, BrettFavre's generosity with the football – stop us if you heard this story before – made the difference.

 

In the span of 5:27 in the fourth quarter, the Steelers did something that they had never done in a game, let alone a quarter. The Steelers returned a fumble 77 yards and a pick 82 yards for touchdowns. BrettFavre committed the gaffe in each instance – though they weren't as egregious as his typical toss into triple coverage in critical situations.

 

The two scores mark the first time in Steelers history that the defense has returned both a fumble and an interception at least 35 yards each for touchdowns. The fumble return was the fourth longest in Steelers history, and the pick was tied for the second longest.

 

Pittsburgh's win helps suggest that the AFC is the better conference this year. The NFC had led the season series heading into Sunday, but the AFC went 6-2 this week, with the only loss being the Browns falling to Packers and the Dolphins getting overrun in the second half by the Saints.

 

Meanwhile, contending NFC teams like the Vikings, Bears, and 49ers all suffered tough defeats at the hands of AFC teams. The AFC now holds a 16-15 advantage over the NFC heading into Week 8. The NFC has not won the inter-conference series since 1995. - DZ

 

 

Miles Austin grabbed six balls – which is four more than you grabbed this morning – for 171 yards and a pair of touchdowns.

 

That's a pretty good haul for a guy nobody heard of a month ago. In two starts, Austin has caught 16 passes for 421 yards and four touchdowns.

 

Elsewhere, Patrick Crayton returned a punt for a 71-yard touchdown and Tony Romo threw for 311 yards and three scores. Romo, as noted earlier today, is now officially among the NFL's all-time leaders in two critical measures of success. Now, if he can only win a playoff game, we might be able to mention Romo's name in the same breath as the other great statistical leaders in passer rating and YPA. - BS

 

The Patriots had to travel all the way to England to get it, but they finally notched a road victory in 2009 by toying with the hapless Bucs.

 

Tom Brady (23 of 32, 308 yards, 3 TD, 2 INT, 107.3 rating) was intercepted twice – his first pick coming after 177 straight attempts without an INT – but he also produced his 26th career game with 300 or more passing yards, tying Drew Bledsoe for the franchise record. After a slow start to 2009, Brady has now raised his season passer rating to 99.9 (8th).

 

Safety Brandon Merriweather's pick-six in the first quarter was New England's first defensive touchdown since December 2007 against the Jets and the first of the former No. 1 pick's career. Merriweather's two-interception effort helped New England's improving pass defense drop its Defensive Passer Rating to below 80 (74.3) for the first time this season. They now rank No. 8 in this critical indicator of defensive success – a neighborhood which the New England defense hasn't visited since 2006, when they finished No. 2 (66.1). - TC

One of these days, Matt Cassel is going to get killed.

 

After taking a league leading 47 sacks last year with the Patriots, he got traded to the Chiefs, who hoped he was the second coming of Tom Brady.  Turns out, he might just be the second coming David Carr.  Things haven't worked out for Cassel who took sacks on 8.3 percent of his drop backs last year with New England, and has become a punching bag in Kansas City.

 

Shaun Phillips and the Chargers took him down four more times on Sunday, meaning that he has now been sacked 23 times in six games and has been sacked on 11 percent of all drop backs this year. Projected over the course of a season, Cassel will be read his last rites sometime around week 14.

 

For the Chargers, the four sacks were a welcome sight for a team that was 30th in the league with only seven sacks this year heading into Sunday. - DZ

 

Near the end of the primetime game on NBC Sunday night, Al Michaels called Arizona's upset victory one of the biggest in franchise history.

 

In fact, with three seconds left on the clock, he screamed ectstatically above the deafening roar, "Do you believe in miracles!? Yes!!!!"

 

show video here

 

 

O.K. We made up that last part. But apparently Michaels missed Arizona's 33-13 win over the 12-4 Panthers, in Carolina, last year in the playoffs.

 

So we wouldn't go as far as Michaels. But it was a Quality Win of the best kind – better than the team's 28-21 win over 4-3 Houston earlier this year.

 

It also gives the Cardinals two Quality Wins for the year (and one "Quality" loss to Indy).

 

That's no small feat for the Cardinals – or for the NFC West in general. Arizona is now 8-16 against Quality Opponents since 2006. The division, meanwhile, is just 3-9 this year. - MS

 

• Both are transplant teams (Baltimore and Los Angeles/Cleveland).
• Both play in covered stadiums in mid-market Midwestern cities.
• Both won Super Bowls in the last 10 years with prolific offenses.
• Both claim Eric Dickerson and Marshal Faulk as notable alums.
• Both are on epic streaks.

 

• 23 of 70, 32.9%, 244 yards, 3.5 YPA, 1 TD, 3 INT, 30.9 rating

 

The Cold, Hard Football Facts celebrated the Shaun Hill ascension this summer when he was named the No. 1 quarterback over Alex Smith, and again when he performed well over the first several week.

 

But perhaps we were a little hasty.

 

Hill was benched at intermission after an ineffective first half in favor of former No. 1 pick Alex Smith, who passed for 206 yards. Hill had passed for just 45 yards in a 50-yard first half for the 49ers offense.

 

Houston's Matt Schaub, meanwhile, continues to raise more eyebrows around the league. He completed 20 of 30, 66.7%, for 264 yards, 8.8 YPA, 2 TD, 0 INT and a 116.5 passer rating.

 

And, in case you haven't noticed, the sixth-year QB out of Virginia is pretty good this year. He's:

Meanwhile, in a league where flashy, outspoken receivers seem to be the rage, two of the best tight ends were on display in Houston.

 

San Francisco's Vernon Davis (7 catches, 93 yards, 3 TDs) and Houston's Owen Daniels (7 catches, 123 yards 1 TD) led their teams in receiving.

 

Big receiving games from tight ends are a growing trend in the NFL. Of the 100 highest receiving yard games in 2009, 16 of them have been by tight ends. Compare that to 2008, when tight ends accounted for just seven of the 100 best receiving days, and 200 (four). - MS

 

In the biggest "it's about time" moment since our Chief Troll finally got laid, Oakland "quarterback" JaMarcus Russell was finally given a seat on the bench.

 

Unfortunately for Raiders fans, it took six-and-a-half games (and unfortunately for the Chief Troll, it took 38 years).

 

Somehow, Russell had been given 160 pass attempts despite this year despite completing just 46.3 percentage while averaging 5.6 YPA. Since 1990, only three quarterbacks have matched Russell's level of suckiness while attemping at least 160 passes:

Even more sadly, the Bruce Gradkowski Era in Oakland began inauspiciously. In 35 minutes of game time, he completed 10 of 19 passes for 97 yards – a Russell-esque 5.1 YPA.

 

The Raiders, as we noted in our Real and Spectacular pick, entered the game with one shred of hope: the group of Defensive Hogs who ranked No. 11 in the NFL overall. But the Jets abused them like they were bottles of whiskey at the CHFF Christmas party, rushing for 316 yards and four TDs on 54 attempt (5.9 YPA). - MS

 

Buffalo 20, Carolina 9
The Bills got spanked statistically, but boasted four takeaways to earn the win. Buffalo has forced 10 turnovers in the last two weeks, both road victories over favored opponents.
 
The Panthers outgained Buffalo 425-116. But as CHFF predicted in our Real and Spectacular Week 7 picks, Buffalo's very good pass defense (No. 2 in Defensive Passer Rating through six weeks and still No. 2 today) made life a living hell for Jake Delhomme, forcing him into three costly interceptions.
 
Delhomme (27 of 44, 325 yards, 0 TD, 3 INT, 55.6 rating) continued his disturbing trend of costing Carolina any chance whatsoever of winning football games – a trend which began in last year's divisional playoff against Arizona.

 

Delhomme's season passer rating is now at 56.5, a huge decline from last season's serviceable 84.7 rating and a big reason why the 12-4 Panthers of 2008 are a distant memory seven weeks into the 2009 season. - TC