The CHFF Gridiron Glossary

Cold, Hard Football Facts for Jul 10, 2005



 
The Cold, Hard Football Facts use a lot of big words and historical allusions, and we have something of a language all our own. We also realize that if you're reading this site, you're probably not that bright.

Our Gridiron Glossary may not help improve your limited intellect. But it will help you better communicate with the trolls who live in a box under the bridge at Cold, Hard Football Facts.com.

225 Club – Exclusive club of rotund Pigskin Gala attendees and the test kitchen of the Cold, Hard Football Facts tailgate team. There is only one qualification for membership: you must weigh more than 225 pounds.
 
Al Bundy – A Chicago-area shoe salesman, husband, father of two, founder of NO MA'AM (National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Mastery) and the spiritual leader of the Cold, Hard Football Facts. A star running back at Polk High School, Al once scored four TDs in a single game.
 
All-Douched Team – The collection of players who should have made the Pro Bowl but who were douched in favor of undeserving but more recognizable players. The Cold, Hard Football Facts introduced the All-Douched Team in 2004. The most mightily douched player each year is named captain of the All-Douched Team and receives the Massengill Award. The entire Tampa Bay defense earned a first-ever unit-wide Massengill Award in 2007, after it proved the most dominant defensive group in the NFC, yet did not earn a single Pro Bowler.
 
All-Time 11 – The greatest football team ever assembled; a Cold, Hard Football Facts collection of the 11 most perfect, all-purpose talents in NFL history; an utterly unstoppable gridiron juggernaut that would ruthlessly crush your puny, insignificant 11 and then stand, laughing, over its bloody, beaten carcass.
 
angry troll – A hairy, hunchbacked, unwashed subhuman who peruses and even publishes football Web sites, and who is often angered by the ignorant, agenda-ridden frauds who spread their uneducated filth across the Web, corrupting the minds of innocent young football fans. Usage: "'The Cold, Hard Football Facts are a popular take among the semiliterate angry trolls who cruise the seedy underworld of online football punditry."
 
asser rating – A complex scientific formula developed by Cold, Hard Football Facts message board member, World Famous Cheerleader Thread founder and Holland native "Pigskin Science" to rate the ass of a hot chick. It proves that we're not just dirty, leering dudes, but that scientific principles are the foundation of all our activities.
 
beer – Any fermented, grain-based beverage; the succulent liquid nectar that gives our life meaning. Usage: "I feel parched. Please, football wench, bring me my beer."
 
Bendability index – The first system in the history of gridiron analysis that quantifies the phenomenon of the "bend but don't break" defense and lends some statistical legitimacy to an overused cliche. The Bendability Index is calculated by dividing a team's yard's allowed by points allowed. This gives us "yards per points scored" – or the number of yards a team surrenders for every point it allows. The higher the number the more bendable the defense. See also: Scoreability Index.
 
Black & Blow Division – The NFC North, consisting of Chicago, Detroit, Green Bay and Minnesota. These teams were known as the Black & Blue Division back in the late 1960s, when they ruled the NFL. In the 21st century, with the occasional exception of Chicago, the NFC North blows mightily.
 
boiled bacon – Limp, flaccid and impotent. Usage: "Marty Schottenheimer wilts like boiled bacon in the playoffs each year."
 
Broadsheet Bully – Former Boston Globe sports hack and Gold Gloves boxer Ron Borges, who used his pulpit as the NFL writer for one of the nation's largest newspapers to bully various subjects, physically intimidate colleagues, breach standards of journalistic ethics and spread his lazy-eyed, ignorant filth, such as his stated belief that 7-time Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong is not an athlete. The Broadsheet Bully was defeated by the Cold, Hard Football Facts in a third-round technical knock-out. Usage: "The Broadsheet Bully attempted to flex his muscles most recently during an appearance on ESPN Radio, when he said he would have beat up Bill Belichick in school and taken all his money."

Camerlengo – Former N.Y. Jets linebacker Mo Lewis; named for the Vatican official responsible for declaring one Pope dead and electing a new Pope. The Camerlengo ushered in a new era in NFL football in 2001, when he knocked out Drew Bledsoe, who was replaced by then-unknown quarterback Tom Brady. Usage: "Former New York Jets linebacker Mo Lewis is the kingmaker and Camerlengo of modern pro football."

chokeaholic – A player who habitually chokes in big games. Usage: "Peyton Manning is the Betty Ford of chokeaholics."
 
chubby – The result of a physical metamorphosis of the loinage region that overtakes most CHFF readers upon perusing the World-Famous Cheerleader Threat, and overtakes our illustrious publisher upon dreaming of Doug Flutie.
 
cubicle quarterback – An office worker who sits at his/her desk all day perusing football Web sites and chat rooms and managing fantasy teams. Someone like you, in other words. Cubicle quarterbacks often devolve into angry trolls.
 
Cult of Dan – A massive cult headquartered in South Florida which believes that former Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino never won a Super Bowl because he was surrounded by, and victimized by, incompetent teammates, a bad running game, poor defense, and the list of excuses goes on and on. Cult of Dan members refuse to admit that Marino joined the defending AFC champs as a rookie, twice played with the No. 1 scoring defense in football, had the luxury of playing most of his career for the winningest coach in NFL history (Don Shula) and led teams littered with Pro Bowl performers, 55 of them, in fact.
 
The Curse of Flutie – A hex cast by diminutive hero Doug Flutie back in 1999 upon the Buffalo Bills organization and any team that employs former Buffalo head coach Wade Phillips. Phillips benched Flutie before the 1999 playoffs, despite the fact that he had led the team to a 10-5 record. The Bills then suffered an excuciating defeat via the "Music City Miracle" in their first-round playoff game. They have never been back to the playoffs or matched their 10-win season of 1999 since.
 
Phillips, meanwhile, has suffered excruciating playoff defeats as both a head coach and defensive coordinator since that day, while the two head coaches who employed him as DC were fired under controversial circumstances.
 
Flutie, in a final kick to the gonads of the Buffalo organization so excruciatingly perfect that it could only be deemed by the Gods above, produced the only perfect passer rating in franchise history in his last game in a Bills uniform in 2000. Idiots. Click here for more details of the Curse of Flutie.
 
Dead Ball Era – The period in NFL history (1966-77) that was ruled by low scores and stifling defensive play. Many of the most famous defenses of modern NFL history – Pittsburgh's Steel Curtain, Dallas' Doomsday Defense, Minnesota's Purple People Eaters and the Rams' Fearsome Foursome – all played in the Dead Ball Era. The Dead Ball Era reached its oppressive peak in its final year: the 1977 season featured both the stingiest scoring defense and most inept scoring offense in modern NFL history. See also, Live Ball Era.
 
douche – The perfect, all-purpose word that can be used as a noun, adjective, verb, adverb, superlative or euphemism, and a common Cold, Hard Football Facts substitute for the equally perfect and all-purpose but less-family-friendly "f**k."
 
Draught Day – A springtime Saturday, usually in late April, in which football fans gather to drink prodigious amounts of beer and watch NFL teams select college players. How this mundane activity grew into the public pigskin holiday we call Draught Day remains one of the great mysteries of Gridiron-Kind and highlights the hypnotic power football holds over this nation.
 
Evil Empire – The New England Patriots organization, which will stop at nothing to win football games, from cutting popular players to fudging injury reports to (gasp!) filming the signals of opposing coaches.
 
footballaholic – A person who suffers from a football addiction so great that it ruins their relationships with family and friends. Usage: "Hi, my name is Jim and I'm a footballaholic."

footballogy – The science and study of football. Usage: "The Cold, Hard Football Facts have a Ph.D in footballogy."

footballogist – One who studies the science of footballogy.
 
The F*ckin' Man! – Cold, Hard Football Facts reader Sean Murphy of Oceanside, California, who raced to the rescue of the Cold, Harrd Football Facts in the Trolls' hour of need. Murphy rescued from oblivion an awesome piece we published about the smartest football sites on the web, but then, in an ironic twist of our own stupidity, deleted ourselves, much to the dismay of global Trolldom.
 
Glamour Division – The NFC East. A division comprised of four old-school, big-market teams whose histories are littered with legendary stars and famous coaches and who remain largely competitive today.
 
Gridiron Breadbasket – Pennsylvania and Ohio. The area where the lumpy, unleavened dough of early amateur, college and semi-pro football in New Jersey, New York and New England was kneaded with passion, leavened with the yeast of capitalist initiative and rose into the golden game of pro football that we know today. Usage: "Pro football was born in the Gridiron Breadbasket." 
 
Gridiron Godfather – NFL commissioner Roger Goodell; like Michael Corleone whacking Sal Tessio, Carlo Rizzi and the leaders of the Five Families soon after inheriting the family business, the Gridiron Godfather wasted no time proving that he's the boss and not be be f*ed with.
 
gridiron lifestyle – The uniquely American celebration of beer, food and football. Usage: "The Cold, Hard Football Facts are the world's foremost authority on the gridiron lifestyle and share their love with the rest of Planet Pigskin."
 
Herodotus – Greek historian and the "father of history;" he chronicled  the war between Persia and Greece. Usage: "Here are the key figures whose fortunes hung in the balance of Super Bowl XXXVI, as outlined by the Herodotus of gridiron history, the Cold, Hard Football Facts."
 
Joe Chardonnay – ESPN's former Monday Night Football waste of booth-space Tony Kornheiser, a haughty wine-sipping big-city Beltway journalist who knew nothing about football, yet was painfully miscast by the sports network in the role of America's everyman.
 
King Prisco – Petulant, yellow-bellied, limp-wristed sportswriter for CBS Sportsline.com who's afraid to step down from his throne and dip his toes into the frigid waters inhabited by the Cold, Hard Football Facts.
 
Leisure-Suit Lothario – Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis. Usage: "We were shocked when the Leisure-Suit Lothario resisted the urge to grab Matt Leinart with his first-round pick and instead drafted the top defensive back on the board."
 
Live Ball Era – The period in NFL history (1978-present) marked by rule changes and other efforts to open up the pace of scoring. The league-manufactured Live Ball Era was necessitated by the increasing inability of offenses to score points in the previous decade, a period known as the Dead Ball Era. The Live Ball Era has been marked by inflated offensive statistics, particularly in the passing game. See also, Dead Ball Era.
 
Manning Country Club – A golf club where a double-bogey on the 18th hole is par for the course; the caddy is always blamed. 
 
Massengill Award – An honor issued each year by the Cold, Hard Football Facts to the leading member of the All-Douched Team. The Massengill Award winner leads the All-Douched Team out of the tunnel of gridiron ignorance. New England safety Rodney Harrison won the first Massengill Award in 2004; Tennessee defensive lineman Kyle Vanden Bosch won the 2005 Massengill Award.

M1A1 Abrams tank – The main battle tank of the U.S. Army and the most advanced armored vehicle in the world. Usage: "The 'pundits' took a leaky water pistol of opinion into battle against the M1A1 Abrams tank of truth called the Cold, Hard Football Facts."

Midway – A dominant victory by U.S. naval forces over Japan in World War II that turned the tide of history. For the rest of the war, the U.S. would be on the offensive. Usage: "Super Bowl XXXVI proved to be the Midway of modern NFL history."

Mr. October – Peyton Manning. Like his baseball counterpart Reggie Jackson, Manning always plays his best ball in October.

Old Yeller – Brett Favre. Named for the trusty old mutt who served everyone well for years - in fact, he might have been the best pup around - but who grew so sickly in later years that even his loving owners knew it was time to put him out of his misery.
 
Old Yeller fever – A disease that turns NFL management groups into cowards who fear bad publicity and renders them incapable of mercy-killing the career of formerly great but now washed up old players. Usage: "It's time for Green Bay management to heed the lesson of Old Yeller and put Brett Favre out of his indecisive misery. Even 12-year-old Travis had enough sense put a bullet between rabid Old Yeller's eyes." See also: Spinal Manningitis.
 
opinion - A useless piece of information often passed off as truth and the main source of gridiron analysis employed by the factless "pundits" of Planet Pigskin. As the Cold, Hard Football Facts have often noted, if we wanted an opinion about football, we'd talk to the staggering drunk at the end of the bar. They have opinions, too. The Cold, Hard Football Facts were put on Planet Pigskin to squash opinions and elevate the game of gridiron analysis.
 
pigskindectomy – When your wife removes the remote from your hand on Sunday afternoon or refuses to let you go on that big road trip with the guys. Usage: "You won't see me in the RV, boys. I'm getting a pigskindectomy this weekend."

Pigskin Detention – Where ignorant football writers are sent to pay penance for their pigskin stupidity.

Pigskin Gala – Annual Thanksgiving morning tailgate breakfast hosted by the Cold, Hard Football Facts. It features homemade bacons, venison sausage and other handmade, hot, tasty tailgate treats.
 
Pigskin High Holidays – The period that begins with college football's "rivalry weekend" (the weekend before Thanksgiving) and ends with college football's national title game in early January. The Pigskin High Holidays feature the most important games of the year and the massive overconsumption of food and drink centered around major civic and religious celebrations.
 
pig-skin-kwan-do – Mental jujitsu for football fans. Usage: "You should expect a flying helicopter kick to the skull from this fifth-degree black belt in Pig-Skin-Kwan-Do, the Cold, Hard Football Facts."
 
Pigskin Messiah – NFL Hall of Famer Sammy Baugh, the most perfect, all-purpose football player in NFL history. Baugh was named to the Cold, Hard Football Facts All-Time 11 in 2006. The Cold, Hard Football Facts eagerly await the return of one-platoon football and the resurrection of the Pigskin Messiah.
 
pigskin public – That would be you people, sitting there at the computer; the vast, sweltering and in most cases overweight biomass of humanity who worship and adore the game of football and the gridiron lifestyle.
 
Planet Pigskin – A celestial body inhabited by angry trolls, illterate hacks, factless "pundits" and pudgy, bacon-fed tailgaters. Planet Pigskin is warmed by and orbits around the loving, life-giving luminescence of truth, the Cold, Hard Football Facts. We planted our flag on Planet Pigskin in September 2004. Usage: "The city of Miami holds a special place of importance on Planet Pigskin."
 
"pundit" – The leper-like scourge upon Planet Pigskin and the arch-enemy of the Cold, Hard Football Facts. A "pundit" is someone in the mainstream media who professes to be a football expert and who confuses his/her thoughts and opinions with actual gridiron analysis, apparently unaware that every f'in drunk in a barroom has an opinion about football. "Pundits" are often beat senseless with our billy club of truth, the Cold, Hard Football Facts, and then sent to rot away behind the bars of Pigskin Detention.
 
Pythagoras – Ancient Greek mathematician and creator of the Pythagorian theorem. Usage: "Broadcasters, prognosticators and 'pundits' are more interested in filling airtime than they are in leading you down the path of pigskin enlightenment. Enter the Pythagoras of gridiron arithmetic, the Cold, Hard Football Facts."
 
Quality Stats – The proprietary, easy-to-understand stats of the Cold, Hard Football Facts. Unlike most traditional stats, which measure individual player or team unit performance in a vacuum, Quality Stats have a direct correlation to winning football games.
 
Quality Team – Any team with a record better than .500; often referred to as a "Quality Opponent."
 
Quality Wins Quotient – A deadly effective system of ranking teams not by their overall records, but by their records only against Quality Teams. Quality standings wipe away the dead-weight detritus of games played against weak opponents and give us a more accurate look at the true nature of a team. The Quality Wins Quotient was posted 10-1 marks picking playoff winners in two of the past three seasons.
 
St. Anthony – Indianapolis coach Tony Dungy, whose personal demons and controversial positions on heated topics are overlooked by a media which believes he can walk on water and heal leperous franchises with a single touch of his blessed hand.
 
Saratoga – American Revolution battle in which the Continental Army defeated the British in open-field combat, giving hope to the colonists and prompting the French to join the war on the side of the Americans. Usage: see "Midway."
 
schadenfraud – The joy one derives when a loud-mouthed football fraud is humiliated in front of the nation. Usage: "The Cold, Hard Football Facts crew felt a certain sense of schadenfraud when Dallas coach Bill Parcells dumped liquored-up kicker Mike Vanderjagt in the middle of the season."
 
Spinal Manningitis – A pigskin parasite that eats the backbone of "pundits," turning them into spineless frauds afraid to acknowledge that Peyton Manning and the almighty Indy offense always underperform in the postseason. Usage: "The doctor of footballogy, the Cold, Hard Football Facts, thought the scourge of Spinal Manningitis would have been wiped off Planet Pigskin following sub-par playoff performances by the Indy offense in 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005 and 2006." See also: Old Yeller fever.
 
tool – A buffoon, moron, idiot or joker. Usage: "Mike Vanderjagt is the biggest tool in the gridiron garage."
 
uber-hack – From the German word uber ("over" or "above"); a hack journalist of such profound inability that he rises above the realm of ordinary hackery. Usage: "The agenda of Boston Globe uber-hack Ron Borges was bombed into oblivion by a B-29 of righteous pigskin might, the Cold, Hard Football Facts."
 
World-Famous Cheerleader Thread - a vast collection of photos compiled in our Football Forum by a global consortium of CHFF readers. Just look at it. Seriously. You won't be disappointed. It's the only decent thing our readers have ever done for society.
 

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