The 40 Best Player Names

Cold, Hard Football Facts for Aug 27, 2011



By Jeff Sperber
Cold, Hard Football Facts name-brand contributor


Over the past few weeks, you've read countless articles telling you who to draft for your fantasy football team, making predictions for the upcoming NFL season, analyzing players.

It's time for a piece that will give you absolutely no advice and make zero predictions: The 40 BEST PLAYER NAMES IN THE NFL!

40. Chad Ochocinco, WR, Patriots
Was it dumb that he changed his name? Yes. But at least he was creative (well, sort of—he went with Ochocinco and not “Chad Eightyfive”). It’s way more unique than Chad Johnson.

39. Johnathan Joseph, DB, Texans
The alliteration works nicely here. Sounds like the name of an expensive clothing label.

38. Early Doucet, WR, Cardinals
He’s not late to team meetings. Zing!

37. Will Smith, DE, Saints
It must be rough having the same name as a celebrity, but Will Smith (this one) is cool enough to handle it.

36. Chris Cooley, TE, Redskins
He’s got the word “cool” in his last name. That’s cool…isn’t it? It’s one of those names where you want to call him by his last name and not his first name.

35. Fernando Velasco, C, Titans
Can you hear the drums, Fernando? (Okay, so no one reading this just got an ABBA reference, that’s fine.) His name is just so much fun to say.

34. Ndamukong Suh, DT, Lions
It’s must’ve been a tough name to have growing up. If you can pronounce it, though, it’s pretty nice. At the very least, you can yell SUH while you root for the Lions (shout out to all my readers in Detroit).

33. Colt McCoy, QB, Browns
It’s a good name for a quarterback. He fires the ball down the field (like a Colt firearm). I know, that’s a stretch.

32. Arrelious Benn, WR, Bucs
It’s a gladiator name.

31. Roman Harper, DB, Saints
A sharp-sounding, tough name.

30. Levi Brown, OT, Cardinals/Levi Brown, QB, Bills
Whenever you hear Levi Brown's name think of the song, "Bad, Bad, Leroy Brown "… because Leroy sounds a like Levi … right? No. There actually is a song called "Bad, Bad, Levi Brown," by Portugal. The Man. It's not very good, but if you're into psychedelic rock, you might like it.

29. A.J. Hawk, LB, Packers
As far as animal last names go, Hawk is one of the better ones. Good decision to go with A.J. instead of Aaron.

28. Michael Hoomanawanui, TE, Rams
Go ahead, read the last name slowly and enunciate each syllable. Now, put it all together. See, it’s great.

27. Rocky Bernard, DT, Giants
This name would be perfect for a boxer. (Yes, I realize I’m thinking that because it’s similar to Rocky Balboa.)

26. D'Brickashaw Ferguson, Jets
You can call him D’Brick.

25. Guy Whimper, T, Jaguars
Yes, that’s his real name. If he wasn’t 6’5 and 300 pounds you could make fun of him.

24. Jacques Cesaire, DE, Chargers
If someone told me Jacques Cesaire was coming over, I'd expect a wimpy Frenchman, not a 295 pound defensive end.

23. 22. 21. 20. Courtney Greene, DB, Jaguars; Taylor Mays, DB, Bengals; Ashley Palmer, LB, Lions; Blair White, WR, Colts
Football players with names that sound like they belong to hot girls.

19. Beanie Wells, RB, Cardinals
I know it’s a nickname, but so what? Beanie Wells— it works.

18. Bear Woods, LB, Falcons
Bears live in the woods! Fantastic!

17. Mansfield Wrotto, OG, Bills
It sounds like a very pretty park, or a place you’d vacation to. “I can’t wait to go on my expensive vacation to Mansfield Wrotto.”

16/15. Antwan Applewhite, LB, 49ers and Michael Crabtree, WR, 49ers
Take the first part of Applewhite’s name and add second part from Crabtree’s name and you have an Appletree! An extra bonus since white and crab are also both real words and, when put together, a tasty morsel.

14. Danny Woodhead, RB, Patriots
Penis joke.

13. Frostee Rucker, DE, Bengals
What were his parents thinking? Did they really like Frosty the Snowman and decide to name their son after him (and misspell Frosty)?

12. C.J. Ah You, DE, Rams
Put a comma between Ah and You and you’ve got an exclamation. Ah, you!

11. Desmond Bishop, LB, Packers
This is a secret agent name.

10. Richie Incognito, C, Dolphins
This is also a secret agent name. On a TV show, Desmond Bishop and Richie Incognito would be partners.

9. Quentin Jammer, DB, Chargers
His last name is Jammer and he's a cornerback. Perfect.

8. King Dunlap, OT, Eagles
He’s 6’9 and 330 pounds. He can be king if he wants to.

7. Takeo Spikes, LB, Chargers
This name sounds like it belongs to a really strong guy who’d pummel you in a fight. And it does!

6. Ziggy Hood, DT, Steelers
His real name is Evander. Ziggy is much, much better.

5. Zoltan Mesko, P, Patriots
Sure, it’s a normal Hungarian name, but has anyone reading this seen Dude, Where's My Car?

4. Jeremy Trueblood, T, Bucs
It’s because of the show, but it does sound like a vampire name, or maybe the name of a vampire hunter. Nobody messes with Trueblood!

3. Von Miller, LB, Broncos
His first name is Von. His last name is Miller. It’s an amazing combination. Not sure why.

2. Atari Bigby, DB, Seahawks
Having the first name Atari (and a normal last name) would get him on this list. But no, he’s Atari Bigby. Video game first name plus awesome last name.

1. Captain Munnerlyn, CB, Panthers
It was an easy choice. His first name is Captain. His last name is Munnerlyn. If he were a Captain, his name would be Captain Captain Munnerlyn. With a name like this, how could you not root for this guy?

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