Pigskin Dictionary

The Cold, Hard Football Facts use a lot of big words and historical allusions and we have something of a language all our own. We also realize that if you’re reading this site you’re probably not that bright.

The Pigskin Dictionary may not help improve your limited intellect. But it will help you better communicate with the angry trolls who live in a box under the bridge at Cold, Hard Football Facts.com.

angry troll – A hairy, hunchbacked, unwashed subhuman who peruses and even publishes football Web sites, and who is often angered by the ignorant, agenda-ridden frauds who spread their uneducated filth across the Web, corrupting the minds of innocent young football fans. Usage: “‘Tuesday Morning Quarterback’ is a popular take among the semiliterate angry trolls who cruise the seedy underworld of online football punditry.”

boiled bacon – Limp, flaccid and impotent. Usage: “Peyton Manning wilts like boiled bacon in the playoffs each year.”

Camerlengo – The Vatican official responsible for declaring one Pope dead and electing a new Pope. Usage: “Former New York Jets linebacker Mo Lewis is the kingmaker and Camerlengo of modern pro football.”

Capo di Tutti Capi – In Italian, the “boss of bosses,” a term associated with mafia kingpins. Usage: “Jets fans act like Tommy D. in Goodfellas. But here is the truth from the Capo di Tutti Capi of football fandom, the Cold, Hard Football Facts.”

chokeaholic – A player who habitually chokes in big games. Usage: “Peyton Manning is the Betty Ford of chokeaholics.”

Clutchosity Meter – A scientific tool used to rank the clutch plays needed to produce a victory. Usage: “Here's a look at how each game rates on the atomic clock of victory, the Cold, Hard Football Facts Clutchosity Meter.”

cubicle quarterback – an office worker who sits at his/her desk all day perusing football Web sites and chat rooms and managing their fantasy team. Cubicle quarterbacks often devolve into angry trolls.

footballaholic – a person who suffers from a football addiction so great that it ruins their relationships with family and friends. Usage: “Hi, my name is Jim and I’m a footballaholic.”

footballogy – the science and study of football. Usage: “The Cold, Hard Football Facts have a Ph.D in footballogy.”

footballogist – one who studies the science of footballogy.

fraud – pretender; poser; overrated or overhyped football player. Usage: “Michael Vick is a fraud.”

Herodotus – Greek historian and the “father of history;” He chronicled the war between Persia and Greece. Usage: “Here are the key figures whose fortunes hung in the balance of Super Bowl XXXVI as outlined by the Herodotus of gridiron history, the Cold, Hard Football Facts.”

King Prisco – petulant, yellow-bellied, limp-wristed sportswriter for CBS Sportsline.com who’s afraid to step down from his throne and dip his toes into the frigid waters inhabited by the Cold, Hard Football Facts.

Manning Country Club – a golf club where choking on the 18th hole is par for the course.

M1A1 Abrams tank – The main battle tank of the U.S. Army and the most advanced armored vehicle in the world. Usage: “Jets fans took a leaky water pistol of opinion into battle against the M1A1 Abrams tank of truth called the Cold, Hard Football Facts.”

Midway – A dominant victory by U.S. naval forces over Japan in World War II that turned the tide of battle. For the rest of the war, the U.S. would be on the offensive. Usage: “Super Bowl XXXVI proved to be the Midway of modern NFL history.”

Mr. October – Peyton Manning.

pigskindectomy – when your wife removes the remote from your hand on Sunday afternoon or refuses to let you go on that big road trip with the guys. Usage: “You won’t see me in the RV, boys, I’m getting a pigskindectomy this weekend.”

Pigskin Detention – Where ignorant football writers are sent to pay penance for their pigskin stupidity.

Pigskin Gala – Annual Thanksgiving morning tailgate breakfast hosted by the Cold, Hard Football Facts. It features homemade bacons, venison sausage and other handmade hot, tasty tailgate treats.

Pig-Skin-Kwan-Do – mental jujitsu for football fans. Usage: “You should expect a flying helicopter kick to the skull from this fifth-degree black belt in Pig-Skin-Kwan-Do, the Cold, Hard Football Facts.”

Pythagoras – Ancient Greek mathematician and creator of the Pythagorian theorem. Usage: “Broadcaster, prognosticators and ‘pundits’ are more interested in filling airtime than they are in leading you down the path of pigskin enlightenment. Enter the Pythagoras of gridiron arithmetic, the Cold, Hard Football Facts.”

Saratoga – American Revolution battle in which the Continental Army defeated the British in open-field combat, giving hope to the colonists and prompting the French to join the war on the side of the Americans. Usage: see “Midway.”

225 Club – Exclusive club of rotund Pigskin Gala attendees. There is only one qualification for membership: you must weigh more than 225 pounds.