Pigskin Detention: Steve Mariucci not sure where he came from

Cold, Hard Football Facts for Nov 15, 2011

By Patrick Imig
Cold, Hard Football Facts Counselor at Large

Dear Planet Pigskin,

All you haters can suck it. In one afternoon of football, we took out the NFC East and AFC North. We toppled 2011 favorites the Giants and Ravens. We buried the slim hopes of the Dream Team. And we stuck a foot on the Browns' throat just a little more. We're the NFC West and we're not going away. We have the team with the best 1st place record outside of Green Bay. And combined, we have one more win than the AFC South. We are no longer your laughingstock. We are the NFC West.

Sincerely,

the NFC West

HOW TO SPICE UP A TERRIBLE GAME

When the Rams are playing the Browns and you're forced to drum up interest, you can do a number of things to make everything more exciting. For instance, you can throw your annoying color analyst in the middle of the Dawgpound.

You could also keep him there with his microphone shut off. That would provide some positives.

Another thing you could do? Allow fans the chance to play Scrabble with the names of players on the field throughout the course of the game. Let's just say whoever acquires the most players from the Browns defense is the odds on favorite.

Thankfully the NFL and Fox nearly considered such a thing as evidenced by the fact that Clete Blakeman was the official for Week 10. Just a cacophony of letters and odd names around the Dawgpound.

Other than that, well, yeah, you're stuck with the Browns and Rams. Good luck.

AUDIBLE DEMERITS

Steve Mariucci: “How about that new tight end (Jake) Ballard! Where did he come from?”

Comments like this make fans and writers cringe to the point they suffer serious emotional pain and trauma. Steve, you're the pundit. You're the former head coach. You're the studio analyst whose job it is to research something if you don't know it. That way, the fans at home who don't know can learn something. Knowledge is power and knowing is half the battle. Seriously Steve, do you talk to the other guys on set while you watch games throughout the day? Do you even watch games?

For your information, Steve, Jake Ballard attended Ohio State University. He was signed by the Giants as an undrafted free agent in 2010 and bounced back and forth between the practice and active squad. Here in 2011, Ballard has 26 catches for 430 yards with 3 touchdowns.
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Chris Berman: “Two guys who are always circling, kind of like vultures. Mort and Adam."

Say what you want about Berman but no one can dish out a backhanded insult on the air better than him.
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Michael Irvin: “He is absolutely the new-age quarterback that anybody looks in their stocking for at Christmas. They want an Aaron Rodgers.”

To whoever is Michael Irvin's Secret Santa at the NFL Network studios, take note. Man, could you imagine the reaction Irvin would provide if he woke up on Christmas morning to find Aaron Rodgers hanging in his stocking over the fireplace?

WHEN YOU DISAGREE WITH FACTS JUST DISREGARD THEM

Mike Smith's "decision" has given rise to plenty of debate and discussion about whether or not it was the right call to go for it on 4th and inches. We've seen a lot of numbers and percentages that show Smith really isn't as crazy as his naysayers would portray. Regardless where you stand, one thing everyone should agree on is that the numbers and "stat analysis" provides one argument or side in the debate. To ignore them would be foolish. Right?

Not so, says Yahoo! Sports' Jason Cole. Rather than rehash a few lines from his story which says"Ignore stat analysis when debating Smith's call", we present a quick summary of his story:

We just saved you some time. You're welcome.

REVISED INTERVIEW: COACH K & BOBBY KNIGHT RESPOND TO CHRIS BERMAN

There was a big interview that occurred Monday night around the 10PM EST hour. You probably heard about it. Okay, so we're not going to mention the name of that monster who should be dropped in the Amazon River with his hands and feet bound.

Chris Berman conducted an interview during halftime of the Packers and Vikings with Duke head coach Mike Krzyzewski and Coach K's mentor, Bobby Knight. What follows are real questions from Berman with fake responses.

Berman: "If and when you get to the record 903 and beyond, what will the record mean to you?"

Coach K: "I'm not planning on dying during this interview Chris. I'm going to get the record. And it will feel great. I'll probably celebrate with Jesse Palmer at Applebee's."

Berman: "Tell us about a young Mike Krzyzewski ..."

Knight: "I never touched his leg like that repugnant pedophile if that's what your asking."

Berman: "Mike what's the biggest thing that you've learned from that gentleman next to you, Coach Knight?"

Coach K: "How to curse like a mother fu*king sailor. You think Rex Ryan comes from the school of hard knocks? He's a fu*king pu##y compared to Bobby and me."

BREAKING NEWS

Headlines Rex Ryan told to shut the fu*k up ...

Andre Johnson returns to find space cadet starting at quarterback ...

Drew Brees promises to play next game on crutches to honor head coach ...

You can't spell eliminate without Eli ...

Image of Tebow found in Dunkin Donuts cinnamon roll ...

Jim Gray set to interview Mike Smith in The Decision: 2 ...

Raheem Morris says Bucs are best 4-5 team in the NFC ...

Pigskin Detention is written by Patrick Imig. Tweet him @patrickimig or email him at imig@drivebyonline.com.

By Patrick Imig

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