Pigskin Detention: Jaworski's got it bad for Brees

Cold, Hard Football Facts for Dec 28, 2010



By Pat Imig
Cold, Hard Football Facts media mogul
 
Deep thoughts while pondering how badly NFL officials suck.
 
RON JAWORSKI IS HORNY FOR DREW BREES
Ron Jaworsk loves quality quarterbacks. This is nothing new. But just because he\'s predictable doesn\'t mean he can't be mocked for excessive innuendo.
 
Here are the best cuts from Jaworski in Monday Night Football's short play, "Horny for Drew Brees". Keep in mind that all Jaworski quotes appear in CAPS because they are said with AUTHORITY.
 
"I THINK DREW BREES GOT EXCITED! HE SAW THAT BIG OF A HOLE. AND THAT WAS A JUICY ONE FOR HIM!"
 
If your job was come up with the most sexually suggestive football analysis possible, you and your crew couldn\'t come up with anything more ridiculous than a big hole that's really juicy for the quarterback (who happens to be "stroking the spheroid" from time to time).
 
"THIS IS CALLED SQUEEZING IT IN TO A TIGHT WINDOW!"
 
Who knows where this window might be?
 
"HE HAS 162 TIPPED BALLS SINCE 2002. THAT'S THE MOST IN THE NFL!"
 
Analyzing Drew Brees' tipped balls gets Jaws all tingly – like Chris Matthews listening to Barack Obama speak.
 
"HE HAS AMNESIA. HE HAS ALREADY FORGOTTEN THAT INTERCEPTION!"
 
With the above quote, Jaworski proves he's watching the game through the eyes of Drew Brees when Brees is on the field. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it's considered odd behavior in 47 of 50 states.
 
Ditto for online writers who look at the game through the eyes of the in-game analysts.
 
ALL HAIL JIM ROME, MICHAEL WILBON AND MICHAEL SMITH!!!
The employees on the Bristol payroll provided some of the great over-reactions following Week 1 of the NFL regular season.
Here are the three most ridiculous comment from three renowned talking heads. Granted, Jim Rome isn't counted for rational sports thought but even his "take" on the Jets following Week 1 was extreme.
 
Jim Rome: "I don't ever want to hear Jets and the Super Bowl ever again. At this point Jets and playoffs may not even work."
 
Since the Jets lost to the Ravens in one game – which happened to be the first game of the season – they were no longer eligible for the playoffs.
 
Michael Smith: "The Texans have arrived and here's why: it's the way they played ... You don't want to overreact to Week 1 games."
 
As it turns out, the Texans needed overtime to beat the inconsistent Redskins the following week. While people such as Michael Smith were basking in false bravado. Speaking of the Redskins ... 
 
Michael Wilbon: "The Redskins should win (the NFC East)"
 
We've never understood why any paid talking head would resort to making a concrete, definitive statement following one game of football. However, we're not getting paid by ESPN so maybe we'd think differently if the situation was handing us hundreds of thousands of dollars.
 
MATT MILLEN FATIGUE
If you love watching the game of football, you are suffering from Matt Millen Fatigue.
 
It's okay. You're not a bad person for wishing his mouth was duct-taped shut, nor are you bad for wishing he was banished from football for life.
 
Seriously: the not fun part of being a sports fan is living with the fact that the all-time hits leader in baseball is banned from the MLB Hall of Fame, while an analyst with dysentery of the mouth and a track record of failure is able to make a consistent living as a football expert.
 
We tried to enjoy some Millen-less football over the past holiday week, but could not escape the man they call Matt:
  • Thursday, December 23: Millen was in Pittsburgh to provide analysis for the Panthers-Steelers game.
  • Saturday, December 25: This clown was in Arizona on Christmas for the Cowboys-Cardinals game,
  • Monday, December 27: Millen is in Atlanta for ESPN's Monday Night Countdown before the Saints-Falcons game.
  • Tuesday, December 28: Millen provided "analysis" back in Arizona for the college bowl game between Mizzou and Iowa.
There\'s also that whole Detroit Lions GM tenure. Millen's approval rating, meanwhile, suggests he has a future as a lame duck congressman.
 
So say it loudly and proudly: "Get Matt Millen off my television!\"
 
BREAKING NEWS
Report: Cris Collinsworth thinks Joe Webb played Week 16 like a veteran
 
Confirmed: Sam Bradford wishes he threw deep in NBC Sunday night promo
 
Singletary\'s motivational speech DVDs reach clearance bin
 
NFL postpones 2011 regular season due to \"uncertainty\"
 
Aaron Rodgers and Peyton Hillis accuse Pro Bowl voters of racism
 
Carson Palmer removes shiny hood ornaments from team Christmas tree

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