Pigskin Detention: Esquire should stick to 'other'

Cold, Hard Football Facts for Dec 19, 2011



by Patrick Imig
Cold Hard Football Facts' Esquire assassin


THE TEBOW CHRONICLES (Cont'd)

The Tebow is news beyond the sports world. This fact brings to light the pundit fools in the world of "pop culture" and the "mainstream". A an example of this phenomenon is the article titled "Tim Tebow, Man of Millions" by Tom Jundo at Esquire. Here's what Jundo said after the Patriots defeated the Broncos:

Tebow's story is a religious one, and everybody knows it. Take away the element of religion and his win streak over mostly terrible teams in mostly "defensive struggles" is reminiscent of Vince Young's rookie year with the Titans. 

Correction: part of Tim Tebow's story is a religious one. Those who focus only on the element of faith are missing out. It isn't a black or white issue. It's real life and real life is filled with a lot of gray area. The Tebow story isn't simply one "type" of story. There's a whole world of reactions to the Tebow. One of them, for example, is the element of (gasp) football! In that world of football, the mostly terrible teams Denver has defeated include the Raiders, Chiefs, Jets and Chargers. If those teams are mostly terrible, the NFL has a terrible pool of coaching and player talent. 

There's more from Jundo ...

Brady, of course, is styled as the anti-Tebow, and not only because of his limited mobility, ruthless efficiency, and unmatched fluency with the ball, but also because of his pride. 

Okay stop. Re-read that line. Okay. It's blasphemy. BLASPHEMY I SAY! The Tebow has pride. To think the Tebow has no (self)-pride is one hundred percent stupid. Maybe it comes from Jundo's ignorance in thinking that Tebow is controlled by "religion" or "God" or "Jesus" and doesn't think for himself or act on his own. Everything he does is God's doing because Tebow is a puppet and God is stringing him. Right. Tom, one can have faith in their God and have faith in his or herself. It's usually a two way street. 

A sixth-round draft choice who turned himself into one of the best quarterbacks in NFL history, he has his own tale of transformation, but he has always told it in terms of his own rigorous self-belief rather than in terms of his belief in supernatural forces.

Tebow doesn't work hard and doesn't believe in himself. Hey Tom Jundo: you're wrong and have no clue what you're talking about. Your word is worthless. Take the money you earned from your article of garbage and donate it to the Salvation Army. While you might see the Salvation Army as "religious", others see it as humanitarian or kind. Humanitarian ... you know, like the Tebow going overseas to perform missionary work! Is that "religious", Tom? Maybe if you interpreted it differently, you'd realize it's nothing worth getting fussy over. Now untwist your panties out of the knots and admit that in the world of football, the Tebow and the Denver Broncos are compelling. (The early ratings for the game say it's the highest rated CBS game in four years).

A final bag of trash from Jundo: 

Now, Tim Tebow does not — and, for now, cannot — complete 60 percent of his passes. He's strong, so he can shot-put and corkscrew the ball all over the field, but he often looks like he's throwing the ball away when he's not, and he avoids interceptions by coming nowhere near his intended receiver. It would be tempting to say that none of this matters to the legions he has inspired, but of course it's all that matters: Because Tim Tebow is a religious figure rather than an athletic one, the limitations of his talent wind up testifying to the potency of his faith.

Jundo has distorted reality so much that in his mind, anyone who supports Tebow in any capacity or form is a blind follower or loyalist. The reality is that in the world of football, Tebow has plenty of talent. It's not rocket science, it's a cold hard football axiom: when you minimize interceptions and score touchdowns you have a really good shot at winning. Winning is all that matters in football, after all.

RIDICULOUS OVERREACTIONS FROM NBC SPORTS

Cris Collinsworth: "The Eagles are kind of like the San Diego Chargers. Boy If they got in, you'd say 'maybe'. You know!? Maybe. They're certainly talented enough!"

Al Michaels: "How about a Kansas City/Philadelphia Super Bowl? I mean, it's still possible!"

Rodney Harrison: New England's pass defense is "much improved".

Ladies and gentlemen, this is crazy talk. And Michaels and Collinsworth need to be disbanded soon. They talk about how old they are at the end of games, like two cackling, elderly women.

AWKWARD QUESTIONS BY STEVE MARIUCCI

While Jerry Jones was on set with the NFL Network prior to the Cowboys at the Buccaneers, Steve Mariucci made everyone at home wonder if he was going to ask the Cowboys owner when he planned on dying: "I've got a question for you. You and the late Al Davis had a very unique ... ... ... uh, responsibility for your respective teams. And now you're the only one left ... with the Owner, GM, President responsibilities ... ... ya know what? ... ... What kind of responsibility will Jason Garrett have and how will he be involved?"

Seriously, is Mariucci anxious about something when he's on television? He seems like he's always ready to hop out of his chair and piss himself.

DAN DIERDORF FORGOT WHERE HE CAME FROM

Along with Greg Gumbel, Dierdorf called the Bengals at Rams and witnessed Rams offensive lineman Harvey Dahl spew the F word for all to hear. Dahl told referee Jerome Boger, the Edward Jones Dome and the CBS viewing audience (believed to be me, a few friends and the city of Cincinnati) what isn't a hold. What isn't a hold? THAT'S NOT A FU##ING HOLD! (Link has video)

Harvey need not apologize for the transgression. He's had a bad year. He's the team's startring right guard when the team has healthy players performing at their intended positions. Instead, he's the team's starting wide receiver (might as well be, anyway). When he's not playing and practicing, Dahl is busy chopping wood with his blue ox Babe.

As for Dierdorf, if you didn't watch the clip, you wouldn't notice that he was very apologetic for Dahl's vocabulary being made public. Said Dierdorf: 

"That came right through the referee's microphone. Everyone in the crowd heard it. We apologize ... Harvey Dahl got in the face of Jerome Boger ... and used a profanity that everyone in the stadium heard and all of you at home heard. And we'll apologize for that, in lieu of the fact that Mr. Dahl can't. The National Football League is not Major League Baseball. Kicking dirt on the shoes and the officials in the National Football League are in a position you do not disrespect them in any shape, manner or form and expect to get away with it. And that's the way it oughta be."

Keep in mind Dan Dierdorf played on the offensive line for the St. Louis Cardinals alongside Conrad Dobler. Dobler has been known to bite, chew and spit on people who get in his way. And sure, maybe the microphones didn't pick up sound in the 1970s the way today's do, but I have a hard time thinking Dobler and Dierdorf never yelled expletives and profanities at the officials. Look at Dobler for God's sake. The man once ate an opposing lineman's arm with catsup.

Yes, we're talking about the man Sports Illustrated called the dirtiest player in the game in 1977. And Harvey Dahl? He was voted the 8th dirtiest player by his fellow players in a Sports Illustrated poll a year ago. And this year, he was voted 8th dirtiest player by his peers in a poll conducted by the Sporting News. So Dahl and Dobler are already linked. 

If Dobler was in the booth Sunday afternoon, he would have told Dierdorf to put a cork in it. And that's putting it politely.
 

BREAKING NEWS

Headlines Jerome Boger flagged for fiction ... 

Mike Florio's MVP candidate list reaches 37 ... 

Record number of teams wishing they had Kyle Orton at quarterback ... 

Andy Reid intrigued by this running game idea ... 

Harvey Dahl awarded Rams game ball for getting loudest cheer at the dome ... 

Romeo Crennel awarded chocolate eclair for upset of Packers ... 

Report: God wanted to spread favor to Aaron Hernandez ... 

Tweet @patrickimig.

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