Our Naughty Nurse provides the final pre-draft statistical breakdowns of all 32 NFL teams
Cold, Hard Football Facts for Apr 27, 2011
With the help of our crack staff of Russian mail-order naughty nurses, we measure the statistical vital signs of each NFL team in the weeks leading up to the draft.
In true democratic fashion, we're doing it in alphabetical order.
Arizona - If you ever doubted Kurt Warner's Hall of Fame qualifications, simply look at the statistical implosion of the Cardinals passing game in the wake of his retirement.
Atlanta - The Falcons were a nice a little football team in 2010, with a 13-3 record and the No. 1 seed in the NFC. But they also had a tankful of statistical weaknesses that were ultimately exposed by the Packers in the playoffs.
Baltimore - The Ravens were good in 2010. But in the fashion that's become typical of the franchise since the 2000 Super Bowl champion club, they simply were not good enough to join the NFL elite last year.
Buffalo - The Bills have frustrated their fans for the better part of the five decades since their brief AFL glory days. And this past decade has been the worst of the five – no playoff appearances, no offense, no identity, and usually no hope. But other than that, buck up all you little Buffalo campers. Things are bound to get better some day.
Carolina - The Panthers are in total makeover mode: coach John Fox was dumped after nine tantalizing but mostly frustrating seasons. New head coach Ron Rivera has a great rep but no head coaching experience. Meanwhile, the proverbial "quarterback of the future," Jimmy Clausen, struggled badly in 2010, even by the lowly standards of rookie passers. The team is already looking elsewhere.
Chicago - The last image we have of the 2010 Bears is the physically battered and emotionally bruised Jay Cutler whimpering in the face of withering criticism – not to mention the Packers pass rush – after taking a seat at halftime of a 21-14 loss in the NFC championship game. Blame the Curse of Sid Luckman and the NFL's worst Offensive Hogs in 2010. On the bright side, the 2010 Bears were one or two plays away from reaching the Super Bowl with Caleb Hanie at quarterback.
Cincinnati - Same old story along the Ohio River: the Bengals appeared to have a lot of nice pieces in place. But the result was another disappointing season for the hapless, mismanaged franchise.
Cleveland - New coach Pat Shurmur boasts the least impressive resume of any NFL coach while possible Hall of Famer Mike Holmgren stays upstairs in the front office. The team has a good offensive nucleus of McCoy-Hillis-Thomas. But decades of frustration will put the dampers on even the most enthusiastic football fans.
Dallas - The 2010 campaign was a nightmare for the Cowboys. But the future appeared much brighter after Jason Garrett took over as head coach in the middle of the season.
Denver - John Elway has his work cut out for him in the Mile High City. The Broncos fielded the worst defense in football last year and they just hired a coach who managed to produce the NFL's worst passing attack in 2010.
Detroit - The Lions have been down and out so long they've made silver-and-baby-blue linings synonymous with failure. But they actually displayed remarkable statistical progress in 2010.
Green Bay - The Packers lived up to their statistical potential with a Super Bowl-winning run in the 2010 playoffs. The future looks just as bright as the recent past.
Houston - The Texans led fans on a wild ride in 2010, pairing one of football's most prolific offenses with one of its worst defenses. Too often, victory slipped through the hands of the defense-less Texans, often in devastating fashion.
Indianapolis - Fresh off a 2009 AFC title, the 2010 Colts were a popular favorite to win it all. But injuries, gaping holes on defense and an over-dependence on Old Reliable Peyton Manning conspired to produce a disappointing season by the team's lofty standards.
Jacksonville - Led by Jack Del Rio, now the senior man on the sidelines of the AFC South, the Jaguars struggled to an 8-8 record. But with the single worst pass defense in all of football, they're much further from contention than the record would indicate.
Kansas City - The Chiefs had a nice little breakout season in 2010, with a 10-6 record and an AFC West title. But Kansas City was gifted with the league's easiest schedule: just three games against Quality Opponents and a single win all year over a team with a winning record. The Chiefs will not be so lucky in 2011.
Miami - It looks like the Dolphins these days are paying the karmic cost for the glut of good fortune they enjoyed at quarterback during the first 30 years of the franchise's history.
Minnesota - The Vikings suffered one of the more remarkable one-season implosions in recent memory, from the brink of the Super Bowl in 2009 to the bridge of disaster week after week in 2010.
New England - The Patriots displayed plenty of firepower in 2010, but also displayed their recent penchant for postseason gaffes. It's a team that still had exploitable flaws despite its 14-2 dominance.
New Orleans - The 2010 Saints couldn't match the production on either side of the ball of their 2009 Super Bowl-winning team. But there are plenty of reasons to believe that New Orleans could contend again in 2011 and beyond.
N.Y. Giants - The Giants proved to have plenty of muscle in 2010, especially on defense. But turnovers and inefficient play on both sides of the ball left them on the outside looking in at the playoffs.
N.Y. Jets - The Jets have the appearance of the classic team that's greater than the sum of its parts. The AFC title-game contenders survived on guts, guile and the NFL's the best collection of offensive and defensive linemen.
Oakland - The Raiders showed great improvements in 2010: they went 7-5 over the final 12 games, piled up 500+ yards three times and went 6-0 in the division. Oh, and then they fired the head coach at the end of the season.
Philadelphia - Philly fans will never forget the 2010 season: the football world lay at their feet on the eve of Christmas, when the Eagles were the toast of the pigskin-loving nation. Three weeks later the season lay in tatters.
Pittsburgh - The numbers don't lie: the Steelers were the second-best team in football in 2010. They were No. 2 across-the-board in our year-end Quality Stats, and No. 2 on the scoreboard on Super Bowl Sunday.
San Diego - The Chargers did everything right in 2010 ... except win games. This is a team that has a serious institutional lack of Clutchability.
San Francisco - The 2010 49ers had the best team passer rating in the NFC West, they had the best player in the division (Patrick Willis), they had the most talent in the division, they went 4-2 in the division ... and finished 6-10. Can new coach Jim Harbaugh turn it all around?
Seattle - The Seahawks were the first team in history to reach the playoffs with a losing record (in a non-strike season). And they looked even worse than 7-9 across the board in our Quality Stats (29th overall). Yet they still gave us one of the signature victories of 2010.
St. Louis - Rams second-year coach Steve Spagnuolo oversaw one of the great and under-reported statistical stories of 2010: the incredible rise of the team's Defensive Hogs. If young quarterback Sam Bradford and the offense can improve only slightly, St. Louis could be dangerous in 2011.
Tampa Bay - In Josh Freeman, LeGarrette Blount and Mike Williams, the Bucs have that QB-RB-WR trifecta that really could be special – and was special in 2010. Coupled with one of the league's best offensive lines and some young talent on D, something exciting is percolating in Tampa.
Tennessee - The Titans enter the Munchak Era with plenty of holes to fill on both sides of the ball, especially in the passing game. But curiously, the final edition of the Jeff Fisher Titans displayed champion-level efficiency on both sides of the ball. It added up to an odd statistical season.
Washington - The Redskins are not only flawed, but they play alongside three consistently good franchises in the NFC East, all with quarterbacks, all with pedigrees, all with Super Bowl hopes. Not in Washington, where six wins in 2010 was a bit of an upset and four wins in 2011 is more likely.
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