From the mouse of trolls

Cold, Hard Football Facts for Aug 31, 2005

We've got quite a few e-mails about this. The trolls want to know: what are the results of our daily polls?
Well, we can't publish them all after we replace them, but here are the results of several of the more interesting polls we conducted in August, with a few comments from the beer nut gallery.
Who's the biggest hack?
We thought it'd be close and that in the end Prisco would squeeze past Borges with the title of Kaiser Petey, the Uber-Hack. Hey, at least Borges can write (in our estimation). But you folks just disagreed – vehemently (hey Petey, that means "strongly") – and it was Borges in a landslide. Now let's give it up for Hanson.
  • Ron Borges – 40%
  • Pete Prisco – 27%
  • Skip Bayless – 22%
  • Woody Paige – 7%
  • That kid who wrote "Mmm ... Bop!" – 5%
What's your favorite sports magazine?
We all know ESPN the Magazine sucks. Not only do you folks agree, you even enjoy feisty little Football Digest as much as too-slick-for-its-own-good "the Mag." That's cool. We dig Football Digest, too, and find the pint-sized pub the perfect bathroom reader. As for ESPN, all you need to say is it's a magazine 1) in which you can't tell the ads from the editorial (intentionally constructed that way, of course); and 2) that would, in the issue after Lance Armstrong retired following his 7th consecutive Tour de France victory, decide to put an overrated and carefully coiffed soccer nob on its cover with the blazing headline "David Beckham: All American." It was a vile slap in the face of one of the nation's all-time great sporting heroes. The editor should be hung in effigy. Better yet, he should be hung right here in America. Venerable Sports Illustrated, meanwhile, remains your favorite – followed closely by Al Bundy's Big 'Uns.
  • Sports Illustrated – 41%  
  • Big 'Uns – 36%
  • Sporting News – 9%
  • ESPN the Magazine – 7%
  • Football Digest – 7%
Do the media give too much attention to the antics of players like Terrell Owens?
This was a no-brainer. Do you know anybody who wasn't sick of the TO hype? The media-driven "drama" was a textbook example of why Americans these days trust politicians more than the media (according to a survey conducted by Editor & Publisher magazine). We're just tired of the media echo chamber.
  • Yes. I'm sick of it – 71%
  • Yes, but they need to fill space – 21%
  • No. It's great drama – 4%
  • No. I want to hear every detail about it – 4%
My favorite vegetable is ...
We have a very liberal definition of the word "vegetable." So shoot us. Better yet, don't waste the lead. We'll have a heart attack or liver failure soon enough. Oh wait, you will too, at least according to these results.
  • Jack Daniel's – 77%
  • Deep-fried plantains – 8%
  • Grits – 8%
  • Ham & okra – 6%
Has John Madden lost his touch?
We were so enamored with John Madden as kids back in the 80s – when he first hit the scene as a broadcaster, following a very successful stint as Oakland's head coach – that we bought his book. In fact, we bought his first two books ("Hey, Wait a Minute! I Wrote a Book!" and "One Knee Equals Two Feet"). Unfortunately, the formerly onomatopoetic Madden lost his flair somewhere along the way, and today is reduced to offering the same lame observations you get from your typical high school PA announcer. Wethinks it's time for Madden to hang up the microphone. And you agree.
  • Yes. He sucks – 62%
  • Don't ask me. I'm trying to shake off a four-day, mid-summer bender – 22%
  • No. He's still one of the best – 16%

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