Frankie Five: tools for the modern man
Cold, Hard Football Facts for Sep 27, 2006
By Cold, Hard Football Facts contributor Frankie C.
We have a saying around the cardboard-box world headquarters: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it. And if it is broke, ignore it long enough for something else to distract you."
We acknowledge it's not the most productive motto, but like we say, if it ain't broke ...
Putting aside our own lack of concern, we know that many of you have what are commonly referred to as "standards of living." It's a foreign concept to the trolls, but we respect your right to live that way.
Our guess is that due to this fanaticism, many of you choose to keep up with things around the house. Many of you, in other words, choose to fix what's broken. To complete these chores, you likely have a collection of tools.
Unfortunately, your garage is probably filled with tools you simply do not need and will never use, like Matt Millen, the telescopic basin wrench or the Magnum-sized condom.
As men, you need the proper tools for the proper jobs. Just a handful are needed to accomplish almost all of your chores. To aid your industrial efforts, the Frankie Five has compiled the last word on what you need to "git 'r done" ...
... the tools every man should own.
5. The Hammer
Long feared as the weapon of choice for Viking Gods, the Cold, Hard Football Facts respect the versatility of the hammer. It can both build AND destroy. It also plays a major role in America's most popular second language, English. How many times, for example, have you heard "Rubber Ducky" tell his redneck truck-driving buddies that they got themselves a convoy and that it's time to put the weedwacker down? Not many.
Bonus: Without the hammer, you'd have a hard time telling your friends how you felt after pounding that 12-pack of PBR tall boys.
4. The Chainsaw
It's got a trigger. It's gas-powered. It's ear-bleedingly loud. And it cuts through 100-year-old trees and screaming co-eds with the ease of a CHFF troll through a plate of ribs. The chainsaw is one of God's great gifts to mankind.
Bonus: If you ever find yourself in a Little Havana hotel with Cuban drug lords and the shit jumps off, your chainsaw will help untangle the situation.
J.J. Evans didn't know how prophetic his exclamations truly were for the modern tool-loving man. Need to move a mountain to build your friendly neighborhood highway or fallout shelter? Dyn-O-Mite! Pesky termite problem? Dyn-O-Mite! Stranded on a boat and hungry? Dyn-O-Mite!
Bonus: Just when you think you've run out of uses for dynamite, you meet a Raiders fan.
2. Vaginal Speculum
We're assuming – though we shouldn't – that you know what a vagina is. But what about the speculum? It's the fascinating (and this is a medical term here) spreader thingy that gynecologists use to get up close and personal with your wife's innermost secrets. Not particularly interested? It might just be us.
Bonus: If withholding sex is not working in the threat department, maybe an unannounced midnight exam with your trusty vaginal speculum will strike the fear you're looking for.
1. Duct Tape
There's nothing duct tape can not do. We hang all the company's unmotivational posters with it ("There is a U in Douche" being our most popular). We've repaired broken crystal stemware with duct tape. Hell, given the opportunity, we could even use it to gag Pete Prisco ... or at least tape over his keyboard. It's also a handy, and disturbingly hot, clothing accessory for the unnecessarily modest.
Bonus: Duct tape is strong, sticky, multifunctional ... it reminds us of our date to the Class of '88 senior prom.
(See last week's Frankie Five: checking out with style)
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