Frankie C.'s tribute to Swayze, the greatest man ever

Cold, Hard Football Facts for Sep 14, 2009

(Ed. note: Click here to read more about Frankie C.'s disturbing obsession with Swayze from the pages of CHFF)

By Frankie C.

Cold, Hard Football Facts lover of Swayze

It's a sad day here at the cardboard-box world headquarters. Today we mark with great distress the passing of an American treasure.

We looked on dispassionately as Farrah Fawcett shed her mortal coil. We shrugged our chubby shoulders when Ed McMahon became the great big sidekick in the sky. We thought to ourselves, "What a waste of talent, but that pedophile had it coming" when Michael Jackson became the first poor black male to die a rich white female.

Not today though. No. Today, we celebrate the legacy of the greatest actor in the history of theatrical arts. We swab the tears from our bloodshot eyes over the death of Patrick Wayne Swayze.

Swayze was the actor who graced the screen on some of the seminal films of our generation – films that touched us, tickled us and taught us everything we know about how to be men.

There are no shortages of tributes we could share with our readers. This is Swayze, after all. But we thought the most fitting tribute was to share the life lessons we learned from the rich characters created by the official father-figure of the Cold, Hard Football Facts.

This column was written while listening to "To Sir, with Love" by Lulu, because she had a point: "How do you thank someone, who has taken you from crayons to perfume?" It isn't easy but we'll try.

Lesson No. 5: Swayze teaches us about the importance of family
Darrel Curtis (The Outsiders, 1983): "Listen, with your brains and grades, you could get a scholarship, and we could put you through college, ain't that right, Soda? But you're livin' in a vaccuum, Pony, and you're gonna have to cut it out. You just don't stop living because you lose somebody. I thought you knew that. And anytime you don't like the way I'm running things around here, you can just get out, ALL RIGHT?"

Wow, we're dizzy from all the learning. There's a lot here to digest so we'll streamline: It's perfectly fine to support your brother so long as he doesn't live in a vacuum. Otherwise, the shiftless dirt-bag can go f*ck himself.

Lesson No. 4: Swayze teaches us how to treat a lady and her daddy

Johnny Castle (Dirty Dancing 1987): "Nobody puts Baby in a corner."

This is the true genius of Swayze. He says SO much just by saying these six little words. He lets down his guard and shares his true emotions with Dr. Houseman (Jerry Orbach). He's letting the doctor know that "even though I'm a nobody from a nowhere town with no future, I'm not going to back down. In fact, I just spent all summer banging your daughter, Sir. Now, I'm her Daddy."

This is interpersonal relations 101, fans. This is how you deal with pops next time he gets up in your grill.

Lesson No. 3: Swayze teaches us how to deal with violent people

James Dalton (Road House, 1989): "All you have to do is follow three simple rules. One, never underestimate your opponent. Expect the unexpected. Two, take it outside. Never start anything inside the bar unless it's absolutely necessary. And three, be nice."

This is pure genius. In one sentence, Swayze channels Ghandi here in a movie epic that, given the time and the methamphetamines, we could write a book about by itself. The lesson? Easy. Swayze preaches that we should turn the other cheek -- until it's time to not be nice. At which point, we learn that the right move is to maniacally rip the throat out of your opponent's body.

Lesson No. 2: Swayze teaches us how to say "I love you"
Sam Wheat (Ghost, 1990): "Ditto."

Genius! Brilliant! He brings it all to the table in two syllables. Then he feeds it to you, cleans up your mess and throws you over his chiseled shoulder to burp it from your belly.

Of course, we know that the real Swayze would never have abandonment issues. But in order to impart to us another important pearl of wisdom, Swayze takes on the persona of a ghost who channels himself through Whoopi Goldberg. Who else ever does that, if not the most brilliant person ever? Sam Wheat can't bring himself to tell the person he cares about most how he feels. So he a dumps a "ditto" on Demi Moore ... and he gets away with it! Great idea, until he dies and makes us realize the pathetic inadequacy of our own emotionally empty lives.

The lesson? Don't get shot on the streets of New York.

Lesson No. 1: Swayze gives us his philosophy of life

Bodhi (Point Break, 1991): "If you want the ultimate, you've got to be willing to pay the ultimate price. It's not tragic to die doing what you love."

Anyone else have a frog in their throat? Talk about life imitating art, right? Bodhi dies surfing the 50-year storm and the man who brought him to life dies after a long painful fight with pancreatic cancer. Crazy. Who thinks of this stuff?

Anyhow, the lesson here is obvious. Live it up. Do what makes you happy. Screw other people. Screw the cost. 'Cause we're all going to die anyway. You might as well go out on your own terms. Like us, we're going out fat, drunk and badly in need of a shower.

Rest in Peace, Swayze. And ditto to you.

By Kerry Byrne

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