Bonzo's useless 2009 mock draft

 

To put it quite honestly, we have more compassion for the used-care salesman than we do the mock-draft "pundit." After all, the used-car salesman is probably looking for work this year due to factors beyond his control. Yet the  mock-draft "pundit" remains gainlessly employed, peddling snake oil to the ignorant masses, at least when he's not using the oil to slick back his ghastly pompadour of pigskin.

 

 

For those of you who doubt media-darling Bonzo's capabilities, remember that he not once but twice beat the top football experts at CBS Sports.com when it came time to pick NFL games over the course of two entire seasons ... and, being a stupid monkey who knows nothing about football, he conquered the "experts" simply by flipping a coin (see here and here).

 

Now Bonzo is back another annual CHFF tradition: his totally useless mock draft.

 

We've given Bonzo one mulligan this year: Matt Stafford to Detroit with the No. 1 overall pick. Pretty much every mock-draft "pundit" has Stafford-to-Detroit as his No. 1 pick, so they're all going to sink or swim together. And there's a good chance, as was the case last year with Jake Long No. 1 overall to Miami, that we'll know the top pick before it actually happens. 

 

(As we noted today in our mock-draft scorecard, Long to Miami was one of the only picks the mock-draft "pundits" got right last year ... and only because they already knew the answer.) 

 

So, without further adon't, here is Bonzo's totally useless (but no more useless than Mel Kiper's) 2009 mock draft. Remember, do not try this at home. We're highly trained professionals well-schooled in the nuances of monkey business. (Click here to see Bonzo's totally useless 2008 mock draft.)

 

	Team	Bonzo's pick
1	Detroit	Matthew Stafford, QB, Georgia
2	St. Louis	Brian Orakpo, OLB, Texas
3	Kansas City	B.J. Raji, DT, Boston College
4	Seattle	Mark Sanchez, QB, USC
5	Cleveland	Malcom Jenkins, DB, Ohio State
6	Cincinnati	Eugene Monroe, OT, Virginia
7	Oakland	Jeremy Maclin, WR, Missouri
8	Jacksonville	Michael Crabtree, WR, Texas Tech
9	Green Bay	Aaron Curry, OLB, Wake Forest
10	San Francisco	Andre Smith, OT, Alabama
11	Buffalo	Jason Smith, OT, Baylor
12	Denver	Everette Brown, OLB, Florida State
13	Washington	Darrius Heyward-Bey, WR, Maryland
14	New Orleans	Aaron Maybin, DE/LB, Penn State
15	Houston	Robert Ayers, DE, Tennnessee
16	San Diego	Rey Maualuga, LB, USC
17	NY Jets	Eben Britton, OT, Arizona
18	Denver (from Chicago)	Brian Cushing, OLB, USC
19	Tampa Bay	Percy Harvin, WR, Florida
20	Detroit (from Dallas)	Tyson Jackson, DE, LSU
21	Philly	Michael Oher, OT, Ole Miss
22	Minnesota	Clay Matthews, OLB, USC
23	New England	Brandon Pettigrew, TE, Ok. State
24	Atlanta	James Laurinaitis, LB, Ohio State
25	Miami	Alphonso Smith, CB, Wake Forest
26	Baltimore	Knowshon Moreno, RB, Georgia
27	Indianapolis	DJ Moore, CB, Vanderbilt
28	Buffalo (from Philly via Carolina)	Beanie Wells, RB, Ohio State
29	NY Giants	Vontae Davis, CB, Illinois
30	Tennessee	Josh Freeman, QB, Kansas State
31	Arizona	Clint Sintim, OLB, Virginia
32	Pittsburgh	Evander "Ziggy" Hood, DT, Missouri

 

METHODOLOGY: To give Bonzo a fighting chance, we determined who we believed were the top 36 players coming out of college this year. We then split them into three groups of 12, based upon a roughly drawn ranking system. Stafford, as noted above, was given to Bonzo as a freebie. So he then pulled the names of the remaining 11 players in the top tier to round out his Top 12 picks. He then pulled the 12 names of the second tier. And, finally, he pulled eight names from the remaining group of 12 to round out his top 32. The four extra picks were placed in the bottom of Bonzo's cage. 

 

By Kerry Byrne