Bonzo the Idiot Monkey's mock draft

Cold, Hard Football Facts for Apr 17, 2007



Those of you whose poor life decisions include reading the Cold, Hard Football Facts back in 2005 might remember our prognosticating primate and prehensile pigskin "pundit," Bonzo the Idiot Monkey.
 
Bonzo matched witlessness with the top football "experts" from CBS Sportsline by picking games against the spread throughout the entire 2005 season.
 
CBS Sportsline's experts were bipedal hominids who walked erect, possessed large cranial cavities, advanced linguistic skills and opposable thumbs (well, all of 'em except for Prisco). They also had access to the latest and greatest information about every NFL team.
 
Bonzo was a primate who ate ants, swung from trees and spoke through rudimentary clucks and whistles (which is kinda what Prisco's copy sounds like when you read it out loud). And when it came time to pick each NFL game, Bonzo blindly flipped a coin to determine a winner (he got a little help from friends of the Cold, Hard Football Facts Keith Sawin and Bob Lalonde, who first introduced us to Bonzo).
 
You might know how this story ends: Bonzo the Idiot Monkey went 134-113-5 against the spread and won his season-long battle against the best CBS Sportsline could throw his way.
 
Given his incredible track record, we thought it was time to pull Bonzo the Idiot Monkey out of retirement just in time to humiliate the draft "experts." 
 
As loyal CHFF readers (Hi Mom!) know, the mock draft "experts" talk a good game. But they have NO FUCKIN' IDEA what's going to happen on Draught Day.
 
For the past two seasons, we've looked at the mock draft success of six noted pigskin "pundits." Even in the first and most predictable round of the NFL draft, these guys are right less than 25 percent of the time. They're lucky to get even one name correct in any round beyond the first. Yet there many football fans go, poring over these mock drafts as if they have some legitimacy.
 
Just to prove once and for all the ineffectiveness of the mock draft, we're going to see how these "pundits" stack up this year against Bonzo the Idiot Monkey and his utterly useless mock draft.
 
Here's how it works: every draft "expert" out there has LSU's JaMarcus Russell going to Oakland with the first pick of 2007 (even though Brady Quinn was the better colllege quarterback). So, in the interest of fairness, we spotted Russell as the first pick in Bonzo's draft. Either they're all going to get this one wrong, or they're all going to get it right.
 
After that, Bonzo tossed into his Appalachian State ballcap the names of 31 players - basically, the guys who seem to comprise the consensus first-round picks in almost every mock draft and rating service. (Yeah, it's inexact, but we have an imaginary monkey picking names out of a hat. What do you expect?)
 
The names were then dutifully recorded in the order in which Bonzo blindly selected them at random out of his cap. 
 
If he gets six or seven of the 32 first-round picks right, Bonzo the Idiot Monkey's utterly useless mock draft will have more or less matched the success rate of Mel Kiper and Co. (By the way, we're going to have a follow-up mock draft in which we make picks based upon each team filling their most obvious statistical need.)
 
We'll be back here after Draught Day, as we've done in past years, measuring the success of each mock draft, including Bonzo's.
 
You go, monkey!
 
BONZO THE IDIOT MONKEY'S UTTERLY USELESS 2007 MOCK DRAFT
Pick
Team
Player
Position
School
1
Oakland
JaMarcus Russell
QB
LSU
2
Detroit
Dwayne Bowe
WR
LSU
3
Cleveland
Anthony Spencer
DE
Purdue
4
Tampa Bay
Brandon Meriweather
FS
Miami
5
Arizona
LaRon Landry
FS
LSU
6
Washington
Lawrence Timmons
OLB
Florida State
7
Minnesota
Brady Quinn
QB
Notre Dame
8
Atlanta
Joe Staley
OT
Central Michigan
9
Miami
Patrick Willis
ILB
Ole Miss
10
Houston
Marshawn Lynch
RB
Cal
11
San Francisco
Aaron Ross
CB
Texas
12
Buffalo
Darrelle Revis
CB
Pitt
13
St. Louis
Greg Olsen
TE
Miami
14
Carolina
Robert Meachem
WR
Tennessee
15
Pittsburgh
Justin Harrell
DT
Tennessee
16
Green Bay
Gaines Adams
DE
Clemson
17
Jacksonville
Alan Branch
DT
Michigan
18
Cincinnati
Jon Beason
OLB
Miami
19
Tennessee
Reggie Nelson
FS
Florida
20
N.Y. Giants
Ted Ginn Jr.
WR
Ohio State
21
Denver
Amobi Okoye
DT
Louisville
22
Dallas
Adrian Peterson
RB
Oklahoma
23
Kansas City
Dwayne Jarrett
WR
USC
24
New England
Paul Posluszny
OLB
Penn State
25
N.Y. Jets
Michael Griffin
S
Texas
26
Philadelphia
Calvin Johnson
WR
Georgia Tech
27
New Orleans
Joe Thomas
OT
Wisconsin
28
New England
Chris Houston
CB
Arkansas
29
Baltimore
JaMaal Anderson
DE
Arkansas
30
San Diego
Adam Carriker
DE
Nebraska
31
Chicago
Leon Hall
CB
Michigan
32
Indianapolis
Levi Brown
OT
Penn State

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