Bonzo the Idiot Monkey's mock draft

Those of you whose poor life decisions include reading the Cold, Hard Football Facts back in 2005 might remember our prognosticating primate and prehensile pigskin "pundit," Bonzo the Idiot Monkey.

 

Bonzo matched witlessness with the top football "experts" from CBS Sportsline by picking games against the spread throughout the entire 2005 season.

 

CBS Sportsline's experts were bipedal hominids who walked erect, possessed large cranial cavities, advanced linguistic skills and opposable thumbs (well, all of 'em except for Prisco). They also had access to the latest and greatest information about every NFL team.

 

Bonzo was a primate who ate ants, swung from trees and spoke through rudimentary clucks and whistles (which is kinda what Prisco's copy sounds like when you read it out loud). And when it came time to pick each NFL game, Bonzo blindly flipped a coin to determine a winner (he got a little help from friends of the Cold, Hard Football Facts Keith Sawin and Bob Lalonde, who first introduced us to Bonzo).

 

You might know how this story ends: Bonzo the Idiot Monkey went 134-113-5 against the spread and won his season-long battle against the best CBS Sportsline could throw his way.

 

Given his incredible track record, we thought it was time to pull Bonzo the Idiot Monkey out of retirement just in time to humiliate the draft "experts." 

 

As loyal CHFF readers (Hi Mom!) know, the mock draft "experts" talk a good game. But they have NO FUCKIN' IDEA what's going to happen on Draught Day.

 

For the past two seasons, we've looked at the mock draft success of six noted pigskin "pundits." Even in the first and most predictable round of the NFL draft, these guys are right less than 25 percent of the time. They're lucky to get even one name correct in any round beyond the first. Yet there many football fans go, poring over these mock drafts as if they have some legitimacy.

 

Just to prove once and for all the ineffectiveness of the mock draft, we're going to see how these "pundits" stack up this year against Bonzo the Idiot Monkey and his utterly useless mock draft.

 

Here's how it works: every draft "expert" out there has LSU's JaMarcus Russell going to Oakland with the first pick of 2007 (even though Brady Quinn was the better colllege quarterback). So, in the interest of fairness, we spotted Russell as the first pick in Bonzo's draft. Either they're all going to get this one wrong, or they're all going to get it right.

 

After that, Bonzo tossed into his Appalachian State ballcap the names of 31 players - basically, the guys who seem to comprise the consensus first-round picks in almost every mock draft and rating service. (Yeah, it's inexact, but we have an imaginary monkey picking names out of a hat. What do you expect?)

 

The names were then dutifully recorded in the order in which Bonzo blindly selected them at random out of his cap. 

 

If he gets six or seven of the 32 first-round picks right, Bonzo the Idiot Monkey's utterly useless mock draft will have more or less matched the success rate of Mel Kiper and Co. (By the way, we're going to have a follow-up mock draft in which we make picks based upon each team filling their most obvious statistical need.)

 

We'll be back here after Draught Day, as we've done in past years, measuring the success of each mock draft, including Bonzo's.

 

 

Pick	Team	Player	Position	School
1	Oakland	JaMarcus Russell	QB	LSU
2	Detroit	Dwayne Bowe	WR	LSU
3	Cleveland	Anthony Spencer	DE	Purdue
4	Tampa Bay	Brandon Meriweather	FS	Miami
5	Arizona	LaRon Landry	FS	LSU
6	Washington	Lawrence Timmons	OLB	Florida State
7	Minnesota	Brady Quinn	QB	Notre Dame
8	Atlanta	Joe Staley	OT	Central Michigan
9	Miami	Patrick Willis	ILB	Ole Miss
10	Houston	Marshawn Lynch	RB	Cal
11	San Francisco	Aaron Ross	CB	Texas
12	Buffalo	Darrelle Revis	CB	Pitt
13	St. Louis	Greg Olsen	TE	Miami
14	Carolina	Robert Meachem	WR	Tennessee
15	Pittsburgh	Justin Harrell	DT	Tennessee
16	Green Bay	Gaines Adams	DE	Clemson
17	Jacksonville	Alan Branch	DT	Michigan
18	Cincinnati	Jon Beason	OLB	Miami
19	Tennessee	Reggie Nelson	FS	Florida
20	N.Y. Giants	Ted Ginn Jr.	WR	Ohio State
21	Denver	Amobi Okoye	DT	Louisville
22	Dallas	Adrian Peterson	RB	Oklahoma
23	Kansas City	Dwayne Jarrett	WR	USC
24	New England	Paul Posluszny	OLB	Penn State
25	N.Y. Jets	Michael Griffin	S	Texas
26	Philadelphia	Calvin Johnson	WR	Georgia Tech
27	New Orleans	Joe Thomas	OT	Wisconsin
28	New England	Chris Houston	CB	Arkansas
29	Baltimore	JaMaal Anderson	DE	Arkansas
30	San Diego	Adam Carriker	DE	Nebraska
31	Chicago	Leon Hall	CB	Michigan
32	Indianapolis	Levi Brown	OT	Penn State

By Kerry Byrne