Fright Night: CHFF's Awesome Dead Rock Star Halloween Band

Cold, Hard Football Facts for Oct 31, 2012



(Ed. Note: a version of this CHFF classic originally ran on Oct. 26, 2006)  

By Frankie C.
Cold, Hard Football Facts bon scott vivant  

Well, it's the last full week of October, the time when television rolls out its annual trove of scary fare, like slasher movies or the performance of the Kansas City Chiefs

All of this macabre entertainment got us to thinking: If we were having a rockin' Halloween party and could perform complex incantations with many anonymous partners in a consequence-free environment, which rock stars would we bring back from the dead to play the gig?

The choices seem endless and far beyond the scope of you, the average cube- and earth-bound mere mortals. We, however, do not contribute to society and have plenty of time to ponder these issues.  

So this week's Frankie Five is dedicated to party-planning the best, most rockin' fictional Halloween bash of all time. We reward our rockin' all-stars not just for musical talent, but for gruesome and frightful deaths just to add a little atmosphere.

Here then is the ... all-star band of dead rockers jammin' out at our make-believe Halloween Party:

Drums: John Bonham (Led Zeppelin) To cast our first spell, we fly to Rushock, England. It's the final resting place of the No. 1 rock drummer of all time. 

Bonham died of asphyxiation, choking to death on our Halloween treat of choice, alcohol (yes, it's always nice to find a fifth of bourbon in your plastic pumpkin gift bag).

With a little hocus-pocus and a couple aspirin, Bonzo should be onboard.

We pray that our Ouija board and Aleister Crowley reanimation chants will work on his cremated remains. If not, we'll enlist Keith Moon of The Who.   

 

Bass guitar: John Entwistle (The Who) While still here in England, we scoop up the cocaine-riddled bones of John Entwistle.

With the heavy beats provided by Bonham, we need someone equally talented on bass to nail down the rhythm section. 

Entwistle is the answer. Besides, we've always wanted to hang with a guy known as Ox.

His pipes on "Boris the Spider," meanwhile, lend a creepy, crawly flavor to our rockin' Halloween playlist.

If the filthy Brits have already robbed his grave, we'll opt for Berry Oakley, a founding member of the Allman Brothers Band.  

 

Lead guitar: Jimi Hendrix (The Jimi Hendrix Experience) Next we hop to Renton, Washington, to pick up the decayed remains of Jimi to wield the lead axe. 

Hendrix is the three-time Heisman Trophy winner of dead guitarists and an obvious choice to jam with our all-star band on talent alone.

The fact that he died in gruesome fashion merely adds to the evening. 

Hendrix is the second member of the Dead Man's Band to have shed this mortal coil from breathing in his own vomit. 

Mmm ... scorpion bowls. 

On the bench in case of "stage fright" is Stevie Ray Vaughn

Rhythm guitar: Randy Rhoads (Ozzy Osbourne) Randy was considered by many as the heir apparent to Eddie Van Halen as Rock God du Jour back in 1982.

Then, he conveniently died in a plane crash when the clearly hallucinating pilot decided to buzz the Ozzy Osbourne tour bus. The plane clipped the bus, and crashed into a nearby mansion.

Randy's remains are interred in San Bernardino, California – which is helpful, because it gives us a chance to relive numerous embarrassing drunken moments at the Goat Hill Tavern in Costa Mesa.

The stupidity of his death did not diminish his sense of self-worth. Randy's burial temple is only slightly smaller than the great pyramids of Egypt. If some of his parts are still charred or missing, our understudy is the legendary Frank Zappa.

 

Lead vocals: Bon Scott (AC/DC) Our final destination is Fremantle, Australia, where we find the well-worn liver and well-rested remains of frontman Bon Scott. 

He loved his booze, his big balls of fire and the upper-class high society that fills our rockin' Halloween party ballroom.

While Scott's death was booze-related, he sadly doesn't live up to the gruesome standards of alcohol-induced demise set by Hendrix and Bonham.

Scott merely died of alcohol poisoning in the back seat of a friend's car in London. His body didn't even attempt to spit it all out. There's a warrior for ya.

If 30 years of death has degraded the quality of Scott's voice, then the choice to replace him is Michael Hutchence of INXS. Oh, sure, he wasn't anywhere near the rocker that Scott was. But we appreciate his creative use of ligature in self-gratification. 

Should Hutchence decide to recreate his death onstage at our party, it would lend a festive Halloween flavor that you just don't get anymore from naked snuff Twister.  

(See the previous Frankie Five: badass American mo-fos)








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