Basic Crowd-Pleasing Deep-Fried Turkey

½ cup Old Bay

½ cup Bell’s Seasoning (or other, unsalted poultry seasoning)

12-pound fresh turkey

2 Tablespoons olive oil

You can prep bird day before the game or at the game itself. Easier to get it done a day ahead of time.

Mix together Old Bay and poultry seasoning and story in an airtight container.

Remove neck and bag of giblets from bird, making sure to check both ends of that little bastard. Set aside neck and giblets for gravy stock.

Most store-bought turkeys come with plastic clip holding together legs. Remove that clip. Also remove plastic pop-up timer, if turkey comes with one. Last thing you need is melted plastic in the deep fryer. Throw away the plastic pieces.

Actually, the last thing YOU need is another drink right now. But we can only help you solve one problem at a time, and right now that problem is cooking a turkey.

Rinse bird in cold water inside and out. Pat dry. Rub the bird inside and out with olive oil. Ask somebody to dump some of the spice rub in your hands and coat the bird inside and out with the spices. You do not want to dip hands covered in raw turkey juices into the spices, or else you’ll ruin unused spice. But whatever, it’s your life. We can only carry you so far.

You can rub bird the day before the game and refrigerate overnight if you’d like.

Heat oil to 350 degrees. Actually, we heat it to about 375 to 380 degrees, because the temperature drops so dramatically when you drop a bird in the oil, especially if it’s chilled throughout.

Shut off fuel source according to our safety tips and carefully add bird to oil. Once oil settles down, might be only a few seconds, cover the deep fryer and quickly turn on fuel source again to maintain consistent 350 degree temperature.

Cook about 3½ minutes per pound, just shy of 45 minutes for a 12-pound bird. Bird is done when thermometer stuck into the thigh reads 180 degrees. Bird is also done when you slice into the thigh and juices run clear.

With enough practice, you’ll soon learn to know exactly when the bird is done just by experience, by sight or even by the feel of the thermometer as it enters the meat.

Let bird cool about 15 to 20 minutes. Cut off limbs and set those in one pan. Slice breast meat and set in another. And then you or your vulture friends who will surely hover around you can literally pull off all the remaining skin and meat with your hands.

The skin should taste like bacon, you lucky bastards.

Basic Spicy-Injected Deep-Fried Turkey

2 cups Frank’s Red Hot (or other favorite hot sauce)

½ stick butter

¼ cup kosher salt

¼ cup fresh-ground black pepper

12-pound fresh turkey

2 Tablespoons olive oil

Prep sauce a day before the game. Inject the day before the game or at the game itself.

Heat sauce and butter over low heat until butter melts, stirring to make sure mixed well. Set aside. Mix together salt and pepper. Rinse and prepare bird according to directions for basic deep-fried turkey above, making sure to remove giblets, neck and any plastic parts, such as clip holding legs together and pop-up thermometer, if bird comes with one.

Rub turkey with oil and then rub with salt and pepper mix inside and out.

When sauce cools to room temperature, fill meat injection tube and then inject bird all over: thighs, breasts, legs, until sauce is finished.

Heat oil and cook as described above in method for basic deep-fried turkey.

Grill-Steamed Green Beans

1 lb. green beans

½ stick butter

1/3 c. Harpoon IPA or chicken stock

Salt and pepper to taste

Optional: Old Bay to taste

Optional: favorite herbs to taste

You can prep beans the day before the game or even prep cleaned, rinsed beans at the stadium. It’s very simple.

Rinse green beans in cold water. Remove stems from each end. Place beans in foil. Sprinkle with salt, pepper and or Old Bay and herbs. Add butter and Harpoon IPA. Wrap loosely so that steam can build inside the foil, but making sure that seams are airtight. Double wrap if needed. Heat grill with one hot side and one cool side, preferably with hardwood charcoal. But propane works if that’s what you got.

When coals reach temperature, place foil package on cool side of grill. Close top. Cook 5 to 10 minutes, depending upon heat level. When beans are steamed, the top of the foil will be hot and you may even hear it hissing inside. Remove from grill carefully. Place in bowl. Cut open foil and pour buttery beer over the beans. Sprinkle more salt, pepper, Old Bay and or herbs if desired.

Deep-Fried Stuffing

1 stick butter

3 10½-oz. cans Campbell’s beef consommé

1 c. onion, finely chopped

1 c. celery, finely chopped

¾ c. marinated green olives, chopped

2 T. Worcestershire sauce

1½ c. Harpoon UFO hefe-weizen or white wine

1 T. thyme

1 T. sage

1 T. celery salt

½ T. dried minced onion

Few shakes of Tabasco

2 14-ounce bags of dried stuffing mix

You should prepare stuffing a day or two before the game and then deep-fry at the stadium.

Heat consommé on stove top and melt butter in it. Do not boil. Put onion, celery, olives, Worcestershire sauce, beer or wine, thyme, sage, celery salt, minced onion and Tabasco in a small bowl and mix well. Let sit for about 20 minutes. Crush dried stuffing mixture in the bags by hand, being careful not to blow open the bag, to break up all the large pieces into fine pieces. Pour dried stuffing into a large mixing bowl. Add the onion and herb mixture and blend by hand.

Pour hot beef consommé until a large, deep sauce pan. Add the dry mixture to the beef consommé and mix until well incorporated. Mixture should be very moist, but not so wet that it can’t be formed into balls. Add hot water or some more hot beef consommé if the mixture is not moist enough. Roll mixture into balls of about 2-inches in diameter. Fry in 350-degree oil, about 3 minutes, until nice and brown on the outside. Makes about 20 deep-fried stuffing balls.

Homemade Cranberry-Apple Sauce

4 12-ounce bags fresh cranberries

3 to 4 apples, sliced

2¼ cups water

3 cups sugar

Make a few days ahead of the big game or holiday celebration.

Rinse berries in cold water, removing any stems and bad berries. Send bad berries to reform school. Or trash. Put cranberries, apple slices and water in a large pot over medium heat, and stir frequently until water just starts to boil and berries start popping. Continue stirring frequently until most of the berries have popped and apples have softened. Slowly add sugar, while stirring to incorporate. Reduce heat and cook an additional 2 to 3 minutes, continuing to stir often. Remove from heat. Let cool.

Scoop until quart-sized mason jars and refrigerate. Jarred berries will keep for a few weeks. If you want to preserve through the season, can the berries in the Mason jars according to directions on Mason jar box. This much sauce should get you through a good-sized tailgate and a family-sized Thanksgiving dinner.

Rustic Tailgate Giblet Gravy

Turkey neck and giblets

2 medium stalks of celery

1 medium onion, diced

1 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon pepper

½ cup Wondra or all-purpose flour

Optional: Gravy Master to taste

Optional: ½ cup chicken stock or broth

1 Tablespoon Bell’s Seasoning or other poultry seasoning

Make gravy the day before the game and reheat at the stadium.

Place neck and giblets in large sauce pan, adding enough water to cover. Add celery, onion, salt and pepper. Bring to boil then reduce heat and simmer about 90 minutes. Add liver during last 15 minutes. Strain mixture into another sauce pan, reserving broth and giblets. You can discard celery and onion, or reserve for additional flavor. Let giblets cool and chop finely. When neck is cool enough, remove all the meat by hand, being careful to discard bones. Chop neck meat finely. Add chopped giblets and neck meat to reserved broth in sauce pan. Add chopped mushy onion and celery to reserved broth if you desire. Go ahead. It won’t hurt anybody.

Set over very low heat. Slowly add Wondra or flour, whisking constantly to prevent lumps, while bringing gravy to a low simmer. Continue stirring until gravy thickens. If gravy turns is too light, add dashes of Gravy Master to darken to preferred color. If gravy is not thick enough, very slowly add more flour to achieve desired consistency. If gravy turns too thick for your taste, add chicken stock to thin. Stir in poultry seasoning. Refrigerate overnight in sauce pan and reheat at the game.

DEEP-FRIED TURKEY SAFETY TIPS

Deep-fried turkeys are always a huge tailgate hit. You’re sure to attract a crowd. But it’s also very dangerous. Here are some very basic but very important precautions you should follow. Please read these tips carefully before deep-frying for the first time.

ONE - Deep fry in a safe place - and never indoors.

Every Thanksgiving some overly zealous - or overly hungry - amateur chef burns down his or her house because they tried to use a deep fryer indoors. Always deep fry outside and always keep a safe distance from your house or garage in case an accident happens.

TWO - Keep children and pets far away from the deep-fryer.

That bubbling oil is VERY dangerous. In fact, it’s deadly And we all know that toddlers can move fast. Never use the deep fryer when little children and pets are around.

THREE - Know your equipment and your birds.

You need to know how much oil will safely fit in your deep-fry pot. You can first test the displacement of a turkey by filling the pot with cold water. Too little oil will not cook the bird properly. Too much can create a dangerous, even deadly, fire hazard. Turkeys should be small: no larger than 12 pounds in a 30-quart pot. In a 36-quart pot, go no bigger than 15 pounds. The bird should be fully thawed! And even warmed close to room temperature very briefly if possible. The natural moisture in the bird will cause the oil to bubble up dramatically. A frozen bird will cause the oil to bubble up at a dangerous level.

FOUR - Use high-quality equipment.

That means a sturdy deep fryer base and deep-fry pot, propane tanks with the appropriate connections and shutoffs, and high-quality gloves for protecting yourself when adding and removing the bird.

FIVE - Shut off the fire when putting the turkey in the oil!

Shutting off your fuel source when adding the bird to the oil is the single most important tip. The oil bubbles dramatically when you first add the turkey. If it bubbles over the side of the deep fryer into the flame - which happens to folks all the time - you’ll have a massive fire real fast. So just shut off the fuel source for a few seconds until the turkey has settled down. It does not take long. Then just reignite the fuel source.