ESPN and Terrell Owens are the perfect couple. Whenever one is feeling like they need some attention, they call up the other and away we go on another ride through TO’s completely deranged mind.
It happened again Sunday.
With teammate Tony Romo and the surging Cowboys stealing some of his headlines of late, Owens took a few minutes out of his hyperbaric chamber to sit down with Michael Irvin and discuss something, anything that would get him some attention.
ESPN was happy to provide the platform, and deep-teased the interview for the entire week. It finally aired at noon (ET) Sunday, conveniently timed to correspond with the start of the CBS and Fox pregame shows.
Everyone won. Except, of course, the people at home who were hoping to watch some coverage of the afternoon’s football games. They were served another heaping pile of grade-school drama.
The interview itself was an exercise in irony.
Michael Irvin started it off by asking the question that the viewing public wishes was directed at the executives of his own network …
“Why is there such interest in TO?”
Terrell Owens responded completely dumbfounded by the fact that his never-ending quest to create publicity has resulted in just that …
“Man, I don’t know…It baffles me at times. I just realized that anything I do makes headlines.”
The transparent charade carried on in typical form for a few more minutes, with Irvin tossing softball questions to Owens, who proceeded to make a fool of himself as per the standard script. Finally the viewers (those of whom hadn’t switched to Fox or CBS) were spared. The discussion moved into the studio, where Chris Berman, of all people, uttered the question on everyone’s mind …
“Isn’t this stuff tiring?”
Yes. Yes! YES! Yet neither ESPN nor TO can seem to figure out why TO and ESPN love each other so much.
Pigskin poetry
“Jim Haslett could get a head coaching job somewhere.” – Joe Theismann
The defensive coordinator in St. Louis, Haslett’s Rams rank 22nd in total defense and 31st in run defense. They allow 154.8 yards per game on the ground and a horrific 5.0 yards per rush attempt. If not for the amazingly gutless performance of the Indy defense,
we might be talking about these Rams as one of the worst run defenses in history. But Theismann’s right: There’s something about that kind of performance that makes general managers and owners drool.
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“You hate to say (Reggie Bush) is like Barry Sanders, but he has some Barry Sanders-type moves” – John Madden
Whenever John Madden starts a sentence with “you hate to say (insert name) is like (insert name)…” one of two things is going to happen: 1) He’s going to compare the two players even though he knows he shouldn’t; or 2) He’s going to say something that makes absolutely no sense.
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“TV veteran Bryant Gumbel has brought originality. His presence allows viewers to hear things they've probably never heard before … Thursday, he noted the Steelers' Ike Taylor wasn't just in his coach Bill Cowher's doghouse but was "in Cowher's Chateau Bow Wow." – Michael Heistand, USA Today
And those things we’ve never heard are clearly the things we’ve been yearning for. Kudos to the NFL Network for bringing to the broadcast the Cold, Hard Football Facts that the fans are looking for. Back in our neighborhood, Gumbel wouldn’t have earned praise for saying “Chateau Bow Wow.” We would have earned a beating.
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“I would never ever say 'sit a 10-2 quarterback.'” – Michael Irvin on Rex Grossman
One minute later…
“So do you sit him?” – Tom Jackson
“You know what, I would sit him.” – Michael Irvin
And that, folks, is why he’s Michael Irvin.
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“The Colts are 1-6 when Manning throws the ball 50 times or more.” – Gary Horton, ESPN
We love stats like these, where the author thinks they are laying out some groundbreaking theory as if the two stats mentioned are mutually exclusive. We’re not statisticians, but maybe, just maybe, could it be that the primary reason Manning throws more than 50 times in these games is because the team is already losing and that the poor record is not a direct result of faulty reliance on the pass?
Same goes for “Team X is 12-0 when they rush for 200 yards or more in a game.”
No shit.
Quarterbacks can do no wrong, say other quarterbacks
The latest addition to the dreaded “Gunslingers Club,” Carolina QB Jake Delhomme, took a seat on Sunday, with an injury forcing him to give way to backup Chris Weinke.
While Delhomme didn’t contribute much to the Panthers' loss this week, the same can’t be said for their game the previous Monday night in Philadelphia, when Delhomme’s unpredictability took center stage.
His evening included one horrendously bad interception to Brian Dawkins late in the game that led to Philly’s game-winning field goal, and a less onerous but still terrible throw into the arms of Lito Shepherd with 25 seconds to play and the Panthers threatening to tie the game or take the lead.
At worst, Carolina should have come away with a field goal and tied the game at 27-27. Delhomme’s mistakes cost them the game, as QB mistakes almost always do for any team.
But, who are we to analyze an NFL quarterback? We’re just lowly trolls. Let’s bring in Hall of Fame QB Steve Young for his synopsis of Delhomme’s night.
Young has garnered a reputation for being a quarterback apologist, especially for the oft-errant "gunslingers." What say he about Delhomme’s 3-TD, 2-INT performance against the Eagles?
"Jake is a good football player. He’s a swashbuckler…He had a nice football game.”
A nice football game?! But he had two horrible and costly interceptions, the first one thrown to no man’s land. What about the second one, what did you think of the overthrown fade to Keyshawn in the endzone?
"I put that one on the receiver. That was a great throw.”
So it was a “great throw” and you place all the blame on Keyshawn Johnson? Hmmm. Johnson is 6’5” and he didn’t even have a chance at that ball. Manute Bol would have been too short to reach it.
Don’t you think, Mr. Young, that you’re being a little biased with your analysis of Jake Delhomme?
"He had a very good football game.”
Since you won’t admit that Delhomme might have cost his team a chance to win the game, can you at least compliment him in a way so absurd that it proves you’ll find anything positive – anything at all – to place him in high regard?
"He’s an accurate football player when he sees his receivers.”
Okay, so when he sees his receivers, he’s accurate? So you’re basically admitting one of two things: Either Delhomme plays with his eyes closed for a portion of every game (which doesn't seem far-fetched based on some throws), or he heaves the ball even when he doesn’t see his receivers en route to the ball or a “spot.”
The Panthers probably wish he could see his receivers more often.
Salisbury speaks…loudly
RE: MVP’S
"It sure makes (Drew Brees) as valuable as anybody in the league."
“Drew Brees might be the Most Valuable Player right now in the National Football League.”
Salisbury has tiptoed around the MVP race after declaring Peyton Manning the “no-brainer” choice four weeks ago. We’re watching you, Sean.
“(Jason Taylor’s) not gonna win Defensive MVP because they’re not going to the playoffs, but he’s taking over!”
He's also not going to win that award because there’s no such thing as Defensive MVP.
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Re: BRASH OPINIONS FOR THE SAKE OF VOLUME
“The Bears can’t beat the Cowboys for one simple reason: The Cowboys defense is better.”
When this quote was uttered, the Bears yielded 20 fewer yards per game and 6 fewer points per game, and had forced 13 more turnovers. Today, the Bears are 27 YPG and 6.4 PPG better than the Cowboys, and lead the takeaway battle by 14.
"Eric Mangini has to be Coach of the Year today.”
When this quote was uttered, Mangini’s Jets were 7-5 while New Orleans and Sean Peyton sat at 8-4. But hey, he was Coach of the Year “today,” meaning Salisbury can backtrack this week.
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Re: WE HAVE NO IDEA
"If you go into a phone booth or you go into an alley with (Drew Brees), you're gonna come out on top!"
A phone booth? Really? Let’s assume you could actually find a phone booth these days. If we see anyone go into a phone booth with Drew Brees, or any other man, we’re getting the hell out of there before we see something we don’t want to see.
And, if you go into a phone booth with Drew Brees, say, for a fight, and come out on top, does that mean he's on your side? And, if he is on your side and you come out on top, does that mean there were four guys in the phone booth?
Salisbury needs some new analogies for Christmas.
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Re: FURIOUS ANGER TOWARDS
THE COLTS’ RUN D
“If you’re not gonna panic, let me panic for you!”
“If it was fixable, it would have been fixed already!”
“They’re pathetic! It’s enough to make you throw up!”
Basically, if the Colts don’t improve the run defense, Sean Salisbury is going to strap dynamite to his sternum before the next broadcast.
