Let's get serious here for a change. How do you feel about the draft?

 

I'm solidly in favor of it, myself. There's nothing like it, it's just a better way to do things. There's even talk of having draft registration ... you know, for the youth. And while I may not agree with that, hey, the law's the law. You can't evade the draft, and you shouldn't.

 

Because draft beer is simply better beer, hands-down. One of my favorite bars, anywhere, is the Old Corner Café, in Naugatuck, Connecticut. Seven taps, no bottles, and the draft beer there is just as fresh as bejeezus. I asked the owner once "why only draft?" and he said, "draft beer is brewer's gold. It's the best beer they make. Why would I serve anything else?"

 

You hear that, but is it true? Usually, yes, because it's been screwed with the least, it's less processed. It's the difference between making fresh salsa and buying it in a jar. I had a great conversation with a brewer once. "You know," he said, with a pained expression, "it takes me four hours to brew a batch of beer. Then it takes seven days to ferment it, another four weeks to mature it. But then send it through that wall, and the guys in packaging f**k it up in only 30 seconds!"

 

It makes sense. What kills beer? Air, light, heat and bacterial contamination. If you put beer in a bottle or a can, you're going to get air in there. Maybe low levels, but air will be there. Air makes beer go steal. It's just like a loaf of bread left on a plate all day, surrounded by air. Put beer in a keg, and ... well, have you looked at a keg, the straight-sided ones almost everyone is using these days, what we in da biz call a Sankey keg? Look at the tap valve. That thing mates with the keg filler like a couple heat-crazed dogs, you gotta unscrew it to get it apart. The keg is purged with carbon dioxide, the keg locks onto the filler, and beer flows in: no air. Beautiful.

 

Light? In a keg? Not even x-rays, baby. Bacterial contamination isn't a problem, either. With no air in a well-cleaned keg, bacteria can't grow. And heat? Kegs are always kept cool, because draft beer isn't pasteurized, so the heat never gets a chance to damage the beer. Wholesalers and retailers will take better care of a half-keg of Old Milwaukee than they do a case of expensive craft brew; the feeling is that bottles can take care of themselves, while draft, well, it's draft, you gotta keep it cold. God bless their pointy little skulls.

 

Another great reason to get draft beer for your next tailgate (assuming your stadium parking lot allows it, or you can find a way to sneak it in): it's cheap, so you can spend more on shrimp and beef. Price out a half-keg of your favorite tipple. Now divide that by seven to get the rough price per case of beer fresher than you'll ever get out of a bottle (a half keg has seven-and-half cases of beer in it, but we figured dividing by seven and a half is beyond your mathematical skills; plus, we couldn't figure it out, either).

 

That's another benefit, by the way: no bottles. No cans. Nothing to clean up but cups. If you happen to give a damn about recycling: kegs aren't recycled, they're re-used. The average lifespan on a keg is 40 years. That's real environmentalism you can put in your mug.

 

Finally, well, you'll look cool as balls with a keg chilling in an ice tub in the backyard, or in the back of your Ford F-150, GMC Yukon or AMC Gremlin. Draft beer shows you're serious about beer, about how good the beer you serve is, about wanting to serve your friends the best, about how freakin' much beer you're planning on drinking.

 

Some folks in Alabama are just getting to enjoy draft beer: it was illegal up until recent changes in laws. Kegs may even be illegal at your stadium parking lot. Imagine: draft beer, against the law. They might as well have outlawed riding mowers and La-Z-Boys because they're too much better than push mowers and armchairs.