By Cold, Hard Football Facts contributor Frankie C.
The everyday lives of the inhabitants of the Planet Pigskin newsroom are not what most people would describe as good or rewarding ... or worth living.
But we look at it as a life spent in the service of others, a worthwhile Quixotic escapade of unrealized glory. Nevertheless, there are times in the quiet of the night, when your sole companions are the glowing computer monitor and the Doritos crumbs on your shirt, that we think about something more: a life spent interacting with other people. A life of some individual accomplishment. A life outside of football.
Because our only point of reference for what that type of life would be like is television, it is with the utmost pleasure and not a small amount of self-loathing that the Frankie Five now presents ...
The sitcom characters we’d most like to trade places with.
5. Hilary R. “Norm” Peterson (Cheers)
If not for a life spent in the service of good jokes, bonhomie and poor personal upkeep, a man named Hilary would not have made our list. But you cannot ignore the perfect male form. Dean Wormer taught all of us that "fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life.” But fat, drunk and clever? That we can emulate. There’s the mathematically perfect egg-shaped body. And notice the 90 degree angle at which Norm drinks. There's no wasted movement. What can you say? Some people are just born with it. Then there's us.
Honorable unmentioned asset: He enjoys a bottomless bar tab.
4. Cosmo Kramer (Seinfeld)
Women want him and men want to be him. How does a guy with seemingly no source of consistent income afford to live in Manhattan? We don't know, but we like the idea of being mysterious, and Kramer seems to encapsulate the pointless, cushy life we aspire to. We've watched a lot of television, and when it comes to twitchy, butter-marinated, beach-scented "loathsome, offensive brutes" who model underwear ... there can be only one.
Honorable unmentioned asset: He eats free every day at Jerry's.
3. Larry Dalliapolis Dallas (Three’s Company)
Here's a single guy with the world in the palm of his hand – a used car salesman in a city where the automobile is the only form of transportation and whose best friend lives with two available hotties. He also has the enviable talent of looking perfectly normal wearing silk zebra pajamas while lounging in his "swinging" bachelor pad. When we wear animal prints, it comes off so three decades ago. But that’s why he’s Larry and we can only hope to be.
Honorable unmentioned asset: Watching your best friend pretend he's gay for seven long years provides unlimited material.
2. Arthur “Fonzie” Fonzarelli (Happy Days)
Ayyyyyyyyy ... There's nothing Fonzie couldn't do that we don't envy. If the Fonz wants to summon a gaggle of poodle-skirted high school birds, he just snaps his fingers. When he needs a little Chuck Berry to get the girls in the mood, he just raps his fist on the jukebox. Our sitcom superman could leap sharks on waterskis and fly over barrels on a motorbike. At the end of the day, though, it's all about the chicks. And the chicks love the Fonz.
Honorable unmentioned asset: The older we get, the less crazy the idea of shtupping Richie's mom becomes. (You KNOW Fonzie was tapping Mrs. C.)
A crappy job, a lazy, conniving wife, an ungrateful son and
a daughter who wears a scent called Eau de Shore Leave. On the surface, the man we'd most like to trade places with doesn't appear to have much going for him. But how many of you can reminisce about the time YOU scored four touchdowns in a single game for Polk High? That’s right, our hero doesn’t have to claw his way up the corporate ladder like the rest of us saps. He’s already been to the top and sees no more worlds left to conquer. We can only marvel at his perfect existence.
Honorable unmentioned asset: Al and his buds created NO MA’AM, the National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood, a pro-maleness group. We should all revel so unabashedly in our manosity.
