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The Frankie Five: fight songs
Not So Cold, Hard Football Facts for August 16, 2006
By Cold, Hard Football Facts contributor Frankie C.
No one will doubt the all-encompassing pigskin wisdom of you, the average Cold Hard Football Facts.com reader. You're a simple people who devote all your time to studying the minutiae of the game, and for this you should be commended.
Noble as it is, this myopic devotion to football leaves very little time to keep abreast of the things in life that normal people find important. Like women, cars, music and the other pillars of American male culture. The staff here at Cold, Hard Football Facts.com felt it was important to help our readers become more well-rounded – culturally as well as physically. As always, we strive to bring you cutting-edge information.
It's a game of catch-up, we know. Let's get started.
In our first installment of the weekly Frankie Five, we present ... the top tunes you want to hear right before a physical altercation.
5. "Hell's Bells" (AC/DC)
 The deep, resounding gong of the bell opening the tune, followed by Angus Young's eerie, bone-chilling guitar lead-in, will send enough shivers up your spine to get your blood flowing. Hey, there's a reason why they play it at kickoff of every NFL game. By the time Brian Johnson's ear-splitting screams about "rolling thunder and pouring rain" kick in, you're so adrenalized that you don't care if your sister gets the first punch in or not.
4. "Hair of the Dog" (Nazareth)
 Here's a song you only hear once in a blue moon on terrestrial FM radio. It's limited play certainly helps keep the peace. Dan McCafferty tells us in a barely restrained gutteral growl, "Now you're messin' with a...a son of a bitch!" By then, we're shaking with enough emotion to make a spasmodic elderly woman ask us whether WE'RE alright. If we had our way following 9/11, Congress would have passed a bill to install 500-foot-high speakers all over both coasts merely for the purpose of playing this song non-stop until Marlee Matlin complained about the volume. The nuclear annihilation of several Third-World countries would have been a nice option, too. But we'd have settled for a little 20,000-decibel "Hair of the Dog."
3. "Immigrant Song" (Led Zeppelin)
 Nuclear destruction not your cup of mead? Then sit back and let the tension-building sounds of conquering Viking hordes penetrate your phyche, as the mighty Zeppelin tells you how good old-fashioned overseas conquest was done back in the day. How does raping and pillaging countless lands with the Hammer of the Gods grab you? Right by the nuts, doesn't it? If the driving beat of the music doesn't fire you up, Robert Plant's ghostly howl most likely will. He is, after all, your overlord.
2. "Master of Puppets" (Metallica)
 The old woodcarver Geppetto has nothing on James Hetfield and his merry band of metal gods. Ranked third on VH1's list of greatest heavy metal songs ever, this little ditty is a lot like snorting cocaine while taking a direct adrenaline shot to the heart. Not that we'd know about that. If you're unfamiliar with the song, it's the background music in the movie "Old School" when the men of the raucous Harrison University fraternity are kidnapping the pledges and throwing them in the back of the van. It's the perfect soundtrack to abduction. Obey your Master and tune in before the fists start flying.
1. "Eye of the Tiger" (Survivor)
 Daht.... Daht, daht, daht.... Daht, daht, daht.... Daht, daht, doewn.... Are anyone else's nipples hard? Of course they are. If you played high school football in the 1980s, this classic from the Rocky III soundtrack was YOUR theme song – the one tune you wanted to hear before you went out on the field to beat another kid senseless. This 1982 Billboard Hot 100 No. 1 single and Grammy winner has inspired countless athletes: "Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past. You must fight just to keep them alive." Unfortunately, it was all downhill for Survivor after this testosterone-fueled anthem. "Eye of the Tiger" singer Dave Bickler was dumped for Jimi Jamison, the ball-less balladeer on Survivor's sissified follow-up hits, "The Search is Over," "High on You" and "I Can't Hold Back." Still, nothing can dim the power and the fury of "Eye of the Tiger." It's the only Rocky soundtrack song the CHFF crew wants to hear before a rumble with the ESPN football writers. We want Clayton!
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By the way, in a Cold, Hard Football Facts Troll Poll last week, this is how you rated the Top 5 Fight Songs:
- Hell's Bells, 33%
- Master of Puppets, 28%
- Eye of the Tiger, 18%
- Immigrant Song, 12%
- Hair of the Dog, 9%
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