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Pigskin Detention: Deion Sanders thinks about Eli every night
Cold, Hard Football Facts for January 24, 2012
By Patrick Imig
Cold, Hard Football Facts Detentionnaire
DEAR DEION SANDERS,
Even though you said Rex Grossman may have been the best quarterback in the NFC East at one point of the season -- it went something like this: “Let me look at my camera and spit this game: Rex Grossman may be the best quarterback right now in the NFC East. Yeah, I said it, and I didn’t stutter. He may be. And the team with the most balance may be the Washington Redskins,” -- even though you said that, you have also been "believing in Eli" for a while.
That's why the Pigskin Detention offices would like to congratulate and commend you for getting the entire NFL Gamdeday Finalcrew to sing in unison "I Believe in Eli" to the tune of R Kelly's "I Believe I can Fly". This is a good thing because Kelly's song was featured in the movie Space Jam and any time Michael Jordan and Bugs Bunny are referenced, it's an even better thing.
Second, the performance of "I Believe in Eli" brought Rich Eisen to the point of fake tears, which was entertaining. Finally, you were the only one to actually sing the 3rd line of Kelly's song, which goes "I think about you every night and day, spread my wings and fly away." This means the other guys on set don't think about Eli every night and day before wanting to spread their wings and fly away. But you do; and you should be commended for having the courage to admit it this day and age. Kudos.
(To watch and listen, click here.)
TRAIL OF TEARS OF BLAME, BROUGHT TO YOU BY SPECIAL TEAMS
The situation: Billy Cundiff misses a field goal.
The reaction: Joe Flacco and Lee Evans take a sigh of relief knowing they're not the goats.
The situation: Kyle Williams muffs a punt with his knee, which leads to a New York Giants touchdown.
The reaction: Billy Cundiff takes a sigh of relief knowing he's not the special teams goat of the day.
The situation: Kyle Williams fumbles a return, which leads to a New York Giants game winning field goal.
The reaction: Kyle Williams takes a sigh of relief, knowing his knee-to-football combo won't be construed as Bill Buckner's Game 6 error.
See it's not as bad for Kyle as it could have been.
**Coming up after pigskin detention, it's an all new episode of American Idol!**
BLOATING PHARMASEUTICAL INDUSTRIES EYEING FOOTBALL FANS
The following is actual text that appears on screen during a commercial for Regulene. Regulene ads were running all night on NFL Network following the Conference Championship games.
Studies have shown that intestinal blockage have caused irregularity and extra fecal weight gain. (REGULENE) can clear that blockage. All natural. Free for 30 days. Clinically tested weight loss.If you're overweight and also suffer from:
Constipation
Irregularity
Bloating
Protruding Belly ...
Not sure how effective or safe Regulene is, but I do know that at the end of Conference Championship Sunday, the football fan might suffer from one of these problems.
**Stay tuned for an all new episode of American Idol, right after Pigskin Detention!**
JOLTIN JOE BIDEN: A PROPHET WHO KNOWS NO NAMES!
The Vice President of the United States of America, Joe Biden, spoke in San Francisco last week and told those in attendance that the "Giants are on their way to the Super Bowl!". We can only assume Biden got confused and called the 49ers the Giants because of Major League Baseball's San Francisco Giants. That or Biden thought he was in New York. Or maybe Biden just wanted the Giants to win. Or he was accurately forecasting the outcome of the NFC title game. No one really knows, including Joe Biden.
In the next two weeks, expect Biden to tell a crowd in Baltimore that the Colts are on their way to a championship. And to his supporters in New England, the Red Coats will soon win a title.
**American Idol is coming up next!**
MAYBE YAHOO! SPORTS WAS TRYING TO TELL US SOMETHING
The Vice President wasn't the only one dishing out subtle prophecies. Before Sunday's games, the following screenshot appeared on Yahoo! Sports' NFL section.
The answer is no, not this year. To both Flacco and Alex Smith, pictured as Joe Flacco.
**American Idol is just four minutes away!!!**
WESTWOOD ONE GAME BALLS
For the football purists, there is nothing comparable to listening to a good radio broadcast. Westwood One has been churning them out for years, and did so again this season, even with the abnormally long title of "Westwood One on the Dial Global Sports Radio Network". Pigskin Detention would like to offer a game ball to Westwood One broadcaster Dave Sims, for mocking Steven Tyler for needing a teleprompter to sing the National Anthem. Keep in mind this is the host of the TV show "American Idol", which apparently doesn't have "know the American National Anthem" on their employee requirement checklist. Aside from the teleprompter, Tyler's rendition was awful and was deserving of any form of blunt analysis. Well done Dave Sims.
Pigskin Detention would also like to send a sac of balls to Kevin Harlan (the sac of balls is the opposite of a game ball, which we created 9 seconds ago). Has nothing to do with Harlan's announcing on Sunday, outside of the fact that Dan Fouts said the phrase "Party on Garth" and Harlan admitted he couldn't think of the name of the other guy, the other guy being Wayne from Wayne's World. When Dan Fouts is the beacon of pop culture in the booth, it might be time for Harlan to research the town of Aurora, Illinois.
**Steven Tyler will be on American Idol. Next!**
BREAKING NEWS
Headlines that don't need teleprompters ...
Jack Harbaugh solves Sunday morning crossword puzzle preventing clean sweep of Harbaugh family ...
Ed Hochuli spends 11 minutes explaining what happens when you pass Go on a Monopoly board ...
Jim Schwarz tells Jim Harbaugh to suck it over email ...
Report: Joe Flacco is terrible ...
Phil Luckett seeking royalties from new Papa John's coin toss commercial ...
Tebow vs. Saints considered for Christian consolation game before Super Bowl ...
Tweet @patrickimig.
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