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A CHFF PSA! The top 10 sexually transmitted diseases
Cold, Hard Football Facts for March 3, 2010
 It's something of a tradition here at the Cold, Hard Football Facts cardboard box world headquarters to pontificate about things we know nothing about. Like football, or politics, for example.
So it is today that we tackle the issue of sex. If getting laid just once in 40 years is a prerequisite for pontificating about sex, then we're the right guys for the job.
Interestingly, our few rare dalliances with sexual conquest over the years has produced a rather exotic array of diseases and infections. It's a gift, really. So here, then, is the long-awaited Cold, Hard Football Facts list of top 10 sexually transmitted diseases. Consider yourself warned.
10. Syphilis - Syphilis is like an old, crippled dog who shits all over the floor. It's harmless, really. But you just don't want to deal with it. However, syphilis does have one redeeming quality: it's the funniest and most metaphorically gifted of all the STDs. Seriously, syphilis makes for great punchlines. "The Colts accepted their inevitable fate in the Super Bowl with all the dutiful nonchalance of a Bangkok whore contracting syphilis." Paints a great picture, doesn't it?
9. The grippe - The grippe once described any of a host of ailments, some of them STDs, some of them not, back in the day when medical research consisted of nothing but bone saws and leeches. It has more or less been phased out of the English language since then. It's too bad: the grippe, like syphilis, is one of the most entertaining of the STDs.
8. Chlamydia - Chlamydia has the distinction of being more than just a funny word. It's also one of the most common STDs in the world. According to some reliable sources, like Wikipedia, more than 1 million Americans have chlamydia ... including, it appears, every girl that the CHFF staff has ever slept with. What are the odds, really?
7. The vapors - We don't know much about the vapors. But we do know, thanks to the creative genius of Biz Markie back in 1988, that you simply do not want to deal with a girl who's got the vapors.
6. Anal warts - Ouch. That can't be good.
5. Herpes - In the 1980s, Doctor of Comedy Eddie Murphy gave an informative lecture on the nature of herpes: "In the good old days you got gonorrhea ... get a shot, cleared right up. Then they came out with herpes. You keep that shit forever, like luggage."
4. Pregnancy - Apparently, a woman who has sex with a man who's infected by gallons of virile semen will blow up like a tick that's just feasted on your blood. Who knew? It'd be nice if parents or teachers actually warned teenage girls that their dalliances might lead to a bad case of pregnancy. Abstinence is the only known way to avoid this terrifying STD.
3. Crabs - Yup, they're real crabs, or at least something that looks like them. They're nothing that a little anti-bacterial shampoo can't cure. But, speaking from personal experience, they're not something that your roommate needs to put on a plate and show you proudly one day in the STD petri dish that passes for your freshman dorm room, either.
2. AIDS - This used to be the granddaddy of all STDs. When Magic Johnson announced he had AIDS back in 1991, it seemed at the time like a death sentence. A certain football writer watched the Magic Johnson announcement at a filthy Boston sports bar/pick-up joint that night. He was so overcome by caution, that he got a beaner from some very drunk chick in the back seat of a cab on the return trip to campus. So let that be a lesson to all of you.
1. Shame - Shame is not only the most common of all STDs, it's also the most insidious. One minute you're flying high fine as wine having yourself a Big 'N Rich time. The next minute you're slinking across town or campus in dark glasses and a ball cap with your head hung low, wondering when and why it all went so wrong. Shame, unlike pregnancy, can strike both men and women at any time. Shame has been known to linger with people for decades. There is no known cure.
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