By Frankie C.Cold, Hard Football Facts culture vulture
Even now, on the cusp of middle age (so mysterious!!), we take a sadistic joy out of sticking the songs of pseudo-pop wannabes into the heads of friends and relations just to witness the pain it causes.
It’s so easy to implant an awful song into someone’s brain that you can do it at home or on the job: simply hum a few bars of an awful pop ditty, like those listed below, and it will remain in the head of a colleague like mental herpes, driving them nuts for the rest of the day.
We decided that since we’re damn fond of our readers (both of you), that we’d let you in on the fun.
We’d prefer to do this in person but the last time we convened with all our readers, Uncle Cletus guzzled too much shine and went on a five-state killing spree. So, for the sake of plausible deniability, we’ll have to be content to torture you with these fine little ditties from afar. And, to keep things interesting, we chose to keep the list off the beaten trail.
Prepare your fragile eggshell mind for…
The Frankie 5 great, well uh, good… um … Five Songs by Actors turn Balladeers that You Can Torture People with for the Rest of the Day.
Bill Shatner is one of our favorite thespians. He was Kirk. He kicked ass all over the galaxy. He also has a great self deprecating charm. So, we’re certain even he would admit that like most heroes, he has a weakness. The man cannot sing. In this cover of the Beatles classic, Shatner grabs his hat and shits in it. Yet this horrendous recording will rattle around someone's skull with the the same remarkable endurance of the brown acid we took at Woodstock.
Jack Wagner honed his acting chops on the long running soap opera “General Hospital” where he played opposite his real life wife. Which makes us wonder: how do you replicate the joy an actor must feel when he dry humps a stranger with his spouse's knowledge? Anyway, this tune will make your penis shrink as it tries to find a home among the cobwebs and naked pictures of pre-coke-whore Lyndsey Lohan that clutter your psyche.
David Soul kept bad guys in check on the 1970s TV classic “Starsky & Hutch” and at the height of his fame, f’ed it all up by recording this pop disaster. Some people would argue that DGUOU is a harmless little song that spent exactly one week on the Billboard charts back in ’77. But after 30 years lodged like mental shrapnel in the head of this author, the power of DGUOU can’t be ignored.
Don Johnson must have woke up one day and said, “I’m so sick of banging Melanie Griffith that I think I’ll get out of bed, rent some studio time and record an album.” He really should have stayed in bed. As for banging Melanie Griffith, if we’re talking 1987 Melanie Griffith we’d gladly help out Sonny Crockett. Or, 2007 Melanie Griffith too. Or 2007 Bea Arthur … or, a sheep. Forget we said that.
We realize that our obsession with all things Swayze is probably beginning to disturb even our most ardent supporter (it’ll be fine, Ma). But if you really want to implant a torturous song like a Viking battle-axe in the head of Ned from accounting, this is the absolute No. 1 weapon in your arsenal. You need only read the lyrics and this song will be on a constant loop in Ned’s head for days. “She’s like the wind … Through my tree-ee-ee … She rides the night, next to me-ee-ee … She fills me with moonlight, only to burn me with the suuuuuuuuun.”
You’re all singing it right now, aren’t you? Hahaha!! Your tears are SO DELICIOUS. Hahahaha!!!
