This might be the best e-mail we've ever received ... certainly winning the battle here in 2007. (By the way, if you wrote to us and haven't heard back, we apologize. We try to answer in person as many emails as possible, but some days we just don't get to 'em.)

 

In any case, this is good. It's from a guy faced with a marital problem and turned to us for help. The fact that the guy thought so little of our own lives that he wrote to us for advice in this pressing marital matter would be heart-warming ... if we had hearts.

 

Naturally, when interpersonal crises arise, we turn to our own social commentator, Frankie C., the author of the Frankie 5, who knows how to gracelessly handle any situation, from public embarrassment to sensing the hard-to-read moods of the fairer sex. 

 

The email is from someone who listed himself only as "Limp in Derry" (we assume Derry, N.H.). Here goes:

 

 

***

Frankie C. responds:

 

Well, Limp in Derry, this is interesting. Let's break this down analytically, the way we do any perplexing pigskin problem, and, through the process of elimination, advise you on the best course of action:

 

Option A., "Buy Viagra" - Not sure if you're aware of this, Limp, but doctors suggest that you should avoid alcohol in excess when taking Viagra. Pretty much eliminates Viagra from being a legitimate option in our book.  Plus, if you did take Viagra, then you'd really have no excuse for dodging your wife's awkward advances, AND you'd miss all the big games because she'd absolutely expect you to perform. This spells Lose-Lose, Limp.

 

Option B, "Hope the Patriots/Sox lose"- Really not an option, Limp, assuming you're actually a fan of the Patriots and Red Sox. Really, both your teams lose and THEN you have unwanted sex with your wife? How is that a plan? Ixnay Option B.

 

Option C, "Grant a Divorce" - On paper, this really seems like your best option. But divorces don't happen overnight. If you wan't to avoid having sex with her in time to watch the Super Bowl, then maybe make an appointment with your lawyer tomorrow. Otherwise, just keep Option C in your back pocket for a real emergency situation, like she wants you to sleep with her mother or something. We've been down that road, Limp, and it never ends well.

 

Option D, "Introduce her to a bit-tsunami of scrapbooking sites" - If we had any f'in idea what this meant, we might be able to help you here." Anyone? Anyone?

 

Option E, "Take one for the team" - We'd really need to see photos of your wife, Limp, before advising in this direction.

 

Option F, "Give my wife a steely dan and say, 'See you in February' - Ding! Ding! Ding! Looks like we have a winner, Limp. She's happy. You're happy. She's out of your way. Let's just hope she doesn't want to cuddle afterward.