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Making a monkey out of the experts
Cold, Hard Monkey Facts for September 29, 2007
By Jonathan Comey
Cold, Hard Football Facts simian expert
Bonzo just keeps on picking winners.
After a 10-6 week in Week 3, the frickin’ monkey has a remarkable 30-17 record just tossing a coin to pick winners against the spread. We're looking into starting his own 1-900 service, but 1-900-APE-HUMP and 1-900-BONZO-WIN are already taken for some reason.
Oh well. Maybe next year.
While Bonzo's
not quite up to the No. 1 expert on CBSSports.com, Pete Prisco (32-15), he’s beating Clark Judge (29-18), Ron Davis (26-21) and Dave Richard (20-27).
We’re not sure who Dave Richard is, but he’s 10 games behind a monkey. That’s got to be tough.
Not that it’s easy to get the big lug to actually make his picks, This week, he’s been on a drunken bender after watching “Planet of the Apes” on TVlinks.com. Apparently, he’s none too pleased with Charlton Heston.
But he did finally get to picking the Week 4 games, which include nine home underdogs – quite a rarity.
Through the use of revolutionary Monkey Translator 3000 software (a purchase that was well worth the $12,995), Bonzo offered his thoughts on this early-season road dog phenomenon.
“Bonzo hate dogs … dogs poop ass smell … Bonzo kill dogs, rip out heart … Bonzo kid … Bonzo laugh … why women run?”
Good stuff.
Bonzo's picks:
SUNDAY
Houston (-2.5) at Atlanta ATL
Bonzo’s thoughts: Why God make us? … Bonzo like kitten … Joey!
N.Y. Jets (-3.5) at Buffalo NYJ
Bonzo’s thoughts: Man genie tell all … bills no pay … Bonzo no watch
Tampa Bay at Carolina (-2.5) CAR
Bonzo’s thoughts: Bonzo scared of panther … car or dell home? … bucks stop here
Baltimore (-4.5) at Cleveland CLE
Bonzo’s thoughts: Dog pound bark … Bonzo smell blood … orange Julius!
St. Louis at Dallas (-12.5) DAL
Bonzo’s thoughts: Rome oh! … Rome oh! … Rome oh!
Chicago (-2.5) at Detroit CHI
Bonzo’s thoughts: Greasy man feel good … lion have no fangs … Bonzo kill attendant?
Oakland at Miami (-3.5) OAK
Bonzo’s thoughts: Cull pepper mad … raid the fish … Bonzo want fish!
Green Bay (-1.5) at Minnesota MIN
Bonzo’s thoughts: Vie king pack her good … Bonzo no wear cheese
Seattle (-1.5) at San Francisco SEA
Bonzo’s thoughts: Bonzo take nap … fools gold … sea hawk pounce
Pittsburgh (-5.5) at Arizona AZ
Bonzo’s thoughts: Bonzo love cardinal! … pretty pretty bird … Bonzo pet?
Denver at Indianapolis (-9.5) IND
Bonzo’s thoughts: Colt run fast … bronco chip leg bone … Bonzo eat both
Kansas City at San Diego (-12.5) SD
Bonzo’s thoughts: Chief no good … Bonzo play with self? … charge it!
Philadelphia (-2.5) at New York Giants: NYG
Bonzo’s thoughts: E lie throw ball good … mick nab no talk? … Bonzo like donuts
MONDAY
New England (-7.5) at Cincinnati NE
Bonzo’s thoughts: Moss grow here … oh cho sink oh? … second best
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