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Frankie 5: Alternative movies
Cold, Hard Football Facts for September 20, 2007
By Frankie C.
Cold, Hard Football Facts man-about-the-basement
 We have a confession to make.
Brace yourselves.
We don’t get out too much … It’s hard to believe, we know. The bright side of our agoraphobia is that we’ve watched an Ebertonian amount of movies, and have Ebertonian physiques to show for it.
Due to an ocean of arrogance, we think we can improve upon some of the classics of the silver screen with just a little tweak to the ending. In an effort to share our artistic vision with both of our readers, we proudly offer …
... 5 Frankielicious endings to 5 classic movies
5. The Wizard of Oz
Dorothy and her band of misfits reach the Emerald City and discover that the Wizard is a sham. To make up for the misunderstanding, they all hot-air-balloon it over to New Orleans for Mardi Gras and Dorothy has too many Hurricanes. She winds up on the “Girls Gone Wild” tour bus and does things Auntie Em wouldn’t approve of. She decides never to return to Kansas, becuase there's no place like the "Girls Gone Wild" tour bus. Heartwarming, no?
4. Splash
Allen Bauer (Tom Hanks) finds true love in the form of a beautiful mermaid, played by luscious Darryl Hannah. The romance is ruined by brother Freddie’s (John Candy) jealousy and love of seafood. Freddie kidnaps Allen’s girl and filets her. He then rubs down Darryl Hannah with oil and Old Bay and lets her marinate overnight. The following day, he bakes her tender flesh at 350 degrees for 45 minutes.
3. Fahrenheit 911
This award-winning documentary could be improved quite easily. We simply get one of the peaceful Iraqis who appear in the movie to fire a surface-to-air missile at the portly filmmaker’s private jet, scattering the remains of the lying bastard all over the Middle Eastern desert.
2. The Ten Commandments
Moses still comes down from the mountain with rules for living, but they go a little something like this …
- Thou shall honor the Sabbath by watching as much football as possible
- Thou shall rock out to Led Zeppelin
- Thou shall not leave the bar without finishing thy drink
- Thou shall “wrap that rascal” - even if it's Saran Wrap
- Thou shall teach your dog to fetch ... beer
- Thou shall not shit-talk the country thou lives in
- Thou shall bang the fatty if no one will learn of it
- Thou shall know that what happens across state lines is perfectly legal
- Thou shall not demean male portliness in any manner
- Thou shall never bogart the joint
The guy who comes down off the mountain with that list? That's the guy we follow through the desert for 40 years.
1. Grease
Actually, the more we think about it, the ending to Grease is already perfect. Why change an ending where a prissy Australian beauty is magically transformed into a leather-clad whore for the sake of her greaser love interest? As we wrote this … something moved.
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