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The Monday Morning Hangover
Cold, Hard Football Facts for September 17, 2007
By Jonathan Comey
Cold, Hard Football Facts omelet maker
 It’s time for the Monday Morning Hangover, and man, are we glad we don’t have day jobs.
Or jobs of any kind, for that matter.
The Patriots-Chargers Sunday night game was one of those that keeps you up and thinking well past the end whistle – no matter what side of Patriots Cameragate 2007 you’re on, it was remarkable to watch the team work.
And that was just a capper to a Week 2 that pretty much changed everything, at least in the NFL’s large, muddled middle.
When you factor in all of the empty bottles of Crown Royal we stubbed our toes on while heading to bathroom this AM … let’s just say that if North Korea wanted to drop nukes on us, now would be a decent time to do it.
But we soldier on, thanks to four fried eggs, a stack of pancakes, homemade sausage and a steaming cup of Cold, Hard Football Facts.
Oh yeah.
That hits the spot.
TOUCHDOWNS? WE DON’T NEED NO STINKING TOUCHDOWNS
The St. Louis big-play offense is a joke.
Why? Because playmakers score points, and that’s something the Rams have been pretty poor at during the Marc Bulger Era. Bulger has long been a Cold, Hard Football Facts favorite, but some of the evidence against is growing hard to ingore.
The Rams’ loss to San Francisco Sunday was a prime example: they stacked up 392 net yards and were only minus-one in turnovers, yet could manage only 16 points.
In 2006, the Rams were fourth in total yards and only threw eight interceptions (a league low). They should have been burning up scoreboards – yet they only ranked 10th in the league in scoring.
This despite getting a higher-than-normal number of long field goals thanks to Jeff Wilkins and the home dome.
In each of the last three years, the Rams have had a better rank in yards gained than points scored – an average rank of 5.3 in yards, 13.3 in scoring.
Greatest Show on Turf? Sure. If you like drives that end in total futility.
The differential shows up in our Scoreability Index, where the Rams finished 18th last season, and were 18th again heading into Week 2 of this season.
NOTE TO FANTASY GEEKS: YOU CAN TEAR UP YOUR STUPID LISTS NOW
Some of us in the Cold, Hard Football Facts dungeon do play fantasy football, and while we enjoy the competition we hate the “fantasy experts” - imagine that, an expert in fake football?
At least most football “pundits” graduated high school and actually know how to write (not you, Prisco) – the fantasy experts are bad writers who only consider defense if they’re in leagues that give you points for tackles.
This summer, all the fantasy dorks talked about was how you had to draft running backs early and often – they were gold, dammit, gold, and how dare you even consider picking a top QB or a top WR!
Through two weeks, it’s Football 1, Geeks 0.
The cream of the QB and WR crop are tearing up the league. Peyton Manning, Tom Brady and Carson Palmer are scoring like, well, Tom Brady, and the top wideouts are all where they’re supposed to be – in the end zone.
Meanwhile, the running back list is all jumbled up. Here are your top 10 rushers, pending the Monday night game:
- Travis Henry, 267 yards
- Jamal Lewis, 251
- Willie Parker, 235
- LaMont Jordan, 229
- Edgerrin James, 220
- Chris Brown, 209
- Joseph Addai, 199
- Derrick Ward, 179
- Shaun Alexander, 175
- Willis McGahee, 174
Parker, Addai and Alexander were considered fantasy blue-chippers, but the other seven were all well outside the top group.
We tried to tell you geeks that running backs were a hit-or-miss bunch, but you wanted to take Laurence Maroney in front of Peyton Manning and scream at us for questioning your greatness.
Well, congrats. You did it. Want to make a deal?
STEELERS THE NFL'S BEST ANONYMOUS TEAM
Don't look now, but Pittsburgh is 2-0 and leads the league in point differential (+50) and scoring defense (5.0 PPG). Sure, the wins are over Cleveland and Buffalo.
But the Steelers have a new coach and they're coming off a season in which they went 8-8, missed the playoffs and were loaded with questions.
So you can make an easy argument that no team has been impressive out of the gates ... certainly no team has been more impressive with fewer headlines. Rest assured, those headlines will come when Pittsburgh is battling for a No. 1 seed in the AFC in December.
HOUSTON FANS LOVE MARIO!
Fresh off the most explosive offensive output and perhaps the biggest win in franchise history, Texans fans are giddy with excitement and are having second thoughts about the organization's decision to take Mario Williams with the No. 1 overall pick in the 2006 draft ahead of the more heavily hyped Reggie Bush and Vince Young. In fact, Houston fans now seem ready to concede that it was the right decision (at least as evidenced by this thread on TexansTalk.com and elsewhere).
Williams has two sacks and one forced fumble through the first two weeks, and has helped lead a defense that has surrendered 24 points in its first two games (4th in the NFL). In the interest of the self-serving congratulatory bombast that defines the Cold, Hard Football Facts, it should be noted that we praised the decision to take Williams when nobody else did ( giving them an "A" for their draft), because it helped the Texans fill their most pressing organizational need at the time: a terrible defense. Read it all here.
DYNAMIC, PART ONE
While the Chargers are in the process of realizing that they might not be as good as they thought they were, it’s worth noting that they do have the most unstoppable duo in the league in LaDainian Tomlinson and Antonio Gates.
Sometimes teams can stop Tomlinson, and sometimes they can stop Gates, but over the past three-plus years at least one of them has been in the end zone at a ridiculous pace.
How ridiculous?
Cold, Hard Football Fact: Gates and/or Tomlinson has scored a touchdown in 62 of San Diego's last 67 games, including a TD catch by Gates last night.
That’s beyond impressive – that’s unbelievable. Even more unbelievable? Tomlinson is 28, Gates is 27. If the paper-champion Chargers can ever figure out how to win playoff games, they could go down as the greatest and most unique offensive combo of all time.
DYNAMIC, PART TWO
The Tom Brady-Joe Montana comparisons have been proven to be pretty accurate over the course of Brady’s career – except that Brady has been as durable as they come, while Montana struggled with injuries.
Now, there’s another parallel, one that bears watching. While the vision of Montana to Rice is so classic that you’d think it was around forever, Montana was Rice-less for his first six years as a starter, and it wasn’t until Montana was 30 that Rice emerged as a great receiver in his second year.
He had good targets before Rice – Dwight Clark, Freddie Solomon – but won his first two Super Bowls by spreading the ball all over the place and generally outthinking everyone else.
Sound familiar? Now Brady, at 30, in his seventh year as a starter, appears to have his Rice in Randy Moss.
And through two games the difference is startling – Brady’s passer ratings have been 146.6 and 123.0, his third- and ninth-best performances ever.
He’s thrown 18 passes to Moss this year, 17 of which have been completed (the other one was thrown behind Moss and picked), for 288 yards and three TDs.
Wow.
The Patriots might well cool off as teams figure out what they’re doing and how to stop it, but one thing’s for sure: Brady is a different QB with a go-to receiver in his arsenal.
MONDAY LINKS
Brian Sipe sucked too
The progression of losing quarterbacks in Cleveland
Hot Eagles fan paints team jersey on her naked torso.
Can he say that?
Top 10 live sports cast screw-ups, complete with videos. Here's one of our favorites, Lee Corso dropping a major-league f-bomb. (Warning: Not Safe for Work.)
OH, THOSE CLEVELAND BROWNS
When you can give up six touchdown passes and 45 points and still think it's pretty much the best week ever, your franchise is in odd shape.
Just as we were telling the Browns to stick Brady Quinn in there because the season was over, they go and hang 51 points on the board. In addition to a win, Derek Anderson gave the Browns organization the biggest gift he could have – time.
Quinn certainly could use a few more games to learn the system, and Anderson took all the pressure off the organization to get him in there. Anderson's not bound for the Hall of Fame – hell, Notre Dame could score a TD on the Cincy defense – but at least can move the Browns down the field.
The departed Charlie Frye left with a career gross yards-per-attempt average of 6.1, while Anderson is now at 7.3 for his 178-pass career. He also has 10 interceptions in there, so there’s a clear downside, but for starving Browns fans Anderson must look like a juicy steak right now.
Mmmmmm. Juicy steak.
AFC/NFC: ALL TIED UP
Congratulations, NFC! Through two weeks of interconference play, you’re a shining (for you) 4-4 against the AFC, a.k.a. the Awesome F---ing Conquistadors.
Of course, the NFC’s wins have come against the Dolphins (two), Raiders and Chiefs – while the AFC's Colts crushed the NFL title-game contender Saints, the lowly Texans won in Carolina and the Chargers dominated the NFC champion Bears.
So the NFC, a.k.a. “Triple-A,” still has work to do.
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