By Frankie C.
Cold, Hard Football Facts lab rat
Here at Cold, Hard Football Facts.com, we know more than our fair share about banned substances. At the outset, we want to go on record and admit that we’ve used some of them. There, we said it. It’s actually quite liberating. We should also put forth a heartfelt apology to our co-workers, our fellow football fanatics, and of course … the children. We’re so sorry.
In our defense, the substances in question did not enhance our performance. Unless you think it’s an enhancement to be better at listening to the Allman Brothers or the Grateful Dead.
Well, all this talk of substances got us to thinking about the most fantastic performance-enhancing products on the black market today. You local Frankie C. is just the man for the job. So here is …
Our five favorite performance-enhancers:
5. Anabolic Steroids
Tired of getting sand kicked in your face at the beach? Are those pesky testicles always in the way? Try anabolic steroids. It’ll jack you up to face down the bully by the shore and prevent those big balls from slapping on your knees till they’re sore … Win/Win.
4. Human Growth Hormone
Okay, so you want to feel like you’re 18 again but you’re still wary of random urinalysis? No problem. Hit up your friendly neighborhood “chemist” for some HGH. Because the testing for this material hasn’t yet caught up with its use, you get the recuperative boost and increased hormonal production AND you can pass your next piss test without having to, ahh ... study.
3. Extenze
The late night infomercial miracle claims to “make that certain part of the male body bigger.” They needn’t be so vague. The average reader of this website knows what they’re referring to. In fact, we’re sure that a bigger “certain part” would serve us well when we’re waterskiing or kicking someone’s ass. Who couldn’t use a bigger middle toe?
2. Colt 45
According to reputable scientist Billy Dee Williams, all you need to enhance your performance at bagging hotties is a little shot from the Colt. Who knew malt liquor was an aphrodisiac? Not we. But, it explains many of those cruel stereotypes … like black guys have bigger egos and such …
1. Viagra
The little blue pill packs a disproportionately effective punch helping the performance of your “Lil’ Frankie.” So, if you want to pound nails with your manhood, this is your drug of choice. Lucky for us, we can pound nails with our arteries. If you have something else in mind for your mighty sword, such as sex, then you should undoubtedly consult a website with employees who have experienced it.
