Although a life devoid of the exertion of any energy is appealing, we have to expend a little effort every once in a while. As fat and stationary as we are, there are still times where we get out of the cardboard-box world headquarters and go for a stroll ... maybe even a waddle. We see our share of women, but we rarely make eye contact with the fairer sex. We don't want to frighten them away. Stare down at the ground. Pull the hoodie over your eyes. Mumble only to yourself.

 

That's our strategy for meeting women. Its success rate skews to the low side, but keeping your eyes on the ground is not without benefits: It turns out we are able to tell a lot about the ladies simply by the shoes that they wear. In fact, we often know if we're going to score with a lass simply by eyeing her footwear.

 

So, climb into your waders as we catalogue our findings here in America's No. 1 random thought list, the Frankie Five, with our look at popular modern footwear and the women who wear them ...

 

The woman sporting work boots is a fascinating creature. She's equally comfortable humping concrete blocks across the job site as she is spitting tobacco juice into her empty thermos. She's known for her ability to drink you and most men under the table. She snorts when she laughs and doesn't make it through a sentence without dropping at least three f-bombs. 

 

 

We've all delighted in the talent of the woman wearing the thigh-high platform boots, but have we tried to get to know the gal inside? She's a gainfully employed recreational drug user with a history of sexual abuse. It's a winning combination. You can buy her a drink where she works for 30 bucks, but you cannot, under any circumstances, score with her in the champagne room.

 

 

 

This is a woman on the go. The girl wearing these models is a busy executive in high demand. She's climbing the company ladder with her calves flexed, and she'll gladly embed one of those spikes into your larynx if that's what it takes to get up there. We admire her ruthlessness.

 

 

This is a fun chick to know. She's a riddle. At work, she's quiet and efficient. But put a couple drinks into her at the company social, and you can reasonably expect her to hook up with you outside the men's room. We appreciate her superficial small-town values, not to mention her inner whore. Her willingness to speak to the likes of us is a bonus.