Yeah, killing two weeks before the Super Bowl is a massive time suck. We’ve filled the downtime between our loyal service to you, the Pigskin Public, by gawking at the bombshells of Fox for the better part of, oh, 10 years.

 

We thought we’d take a short break from football to compile our list of the starting 11 Fox Foxes we'd like to take the field with on Super Bowl Sunday. Plus, we’re really hoping to meet a couple of them in Miami next week where we execute our favorite old pick-up move on them (see “Hoover, Margaret” at No. 6 below, for this time-honored CHFF tip for picking up chicks and Foxes).

 

McCallum is a rare breed: she’s pie-faced and nearly 50, but remains extremely hot. It’s a sexy combination that makes us want to pull a Jason Biggs and test drive an apple pie around the kitchen or, better yet, get down with Stifler’s Mom. 

 

McCallum's also a sweetheart among the bloodthirsty, unemployed, mom’s-basement-dwelling shut-in set that tends to read Cold, Hard Football Facts: she’s on only in the midday, so productive people with actual jobs never get to see her. That’s right, we get her all to ourselves

 

O.K. That was creepy.

Camerota is the Troy Brown of the Roger Ailes roster – the utility Fox who can be called upon to fill just about any roll in your team. The position next to her name on the depth chart says weekend morning anchorFox. But sometimes you turn on the channel and there she is on midday, late at night, weekdays, or out in the field chasing down receivers or tornados.

 

There are two main differences between the Fox Fox and the former Patriots player: Camerota looks smoking hot in black skirts and red tops (the official Fox Fox uniform). More importantly, she’s still at the peak of her game at age 43. Brown was washed up by age 36.

 

Let’s face it: the eyes are typically the last thing we notice in a woman or even in a Fox Fox for that matter. But Powers, the token outed lefty on the Fox Fox staff, possesses the softest brown doe eyes this side of Bambi.

 

And, as you know, our contributors get a little randy around defenseless whitetails.

 

Half of the crew gets the urge to whip out the jammy and flat-blast everything that runs wild in the woods (gotta get the sausage and chili some way).

 

The other half wants to, ahh, ahem … well, let’s just let AC/DC help you figure out what the rest of the crew wants to do with Young Doe Eyes.

 

 

 

Skinner’s more than just a Fox Fox. She’s also the First Lady of Football – the wife of NFL commissioner Roger Goodell.

 

Be it known that we, like NFL players, fear the power of the Gridiron Godfather and we will say only that we admire Skinner for her professionalism and for sporting the No. 1 smile on the Fox Fox staff. 

 

We also hear she was a virgin until her wedding night. True story, Roger. Heard it on CNN.

 

You know Ailes has a deep bench when the former Miss America who anchors his premier morning news show is a mere No. 7 on our list of Fox Foxes. Quite frankly, we’d like to see Carlson with longer hair. Short hair does not do it for the average Troll. Seriously, it’s in the rule book.

 

But we find her ditzy blond act – which earned the enmity of Jon Stewart – oddly arousing. We know deep down inside that the Stanford grad who studied at Oxford is smarter than just about everybody in Hollywood or in Washington and, near and dear to us, she could probably calculate passer rating without the aid of our trusty Cold, Hard Football Facts beer-bottle-cap abacus.

 

She’s also very cute when extremely pissed off – as we saw when she tore the entrails out of the idiots in the federal government who thought it’d be a good idea to shut down her family’s nearly 100-year-old Minnesota auto dealership for absolutely no reason. The feds backed off and the dealership is still open.

 

Some historians say that President Hoover was a massive boob. The family trait was handed down, physically, to his very buxom blonde great-granddaughter. She's a Fox news analyst and socially liberal, small-government conservative who possesses a deceptively large bosom (and sometime fishnet pantyhose ... in red, of course).

 

Believe you me: I saw Hoover once at an event in Manhattan – she was dressed in a form-fitting little red dressy thingy. TV does not do her justice. I pulled my old move on her, too, slowly wrapping my arm around her hip and then feigning embarrassment, “Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were my old girlfriend – she was a supermodel” before she has time to scream for help.

 

Works like a charm: that is, if the charm is a necklace of garlic bulbs and you're trying to ward off vampires.

 

Earhardt is like a beam of blonde sunshine in the middle of the night, where she often shows up with breaking news about important topics of the day: like the solar eclipse over midtown Manhattan caused by Bill O’Reilly’s ego.

 

She’s often seen on weekend mornings, too, sitting between two baby-faced boy anchors who, if they were us, would have lost their jobs years ago when they tried to make an Ainsley Earhardt sandwich live on national television.

 

Yes, it’s an upset at No. 4, as the raven-haired weekend smoke bomb Banderas muscles up near the top of the list at a network where they hand out bottles of peroxide to the ladies their first day on the job.

 

Banderas earns a place in the top five not just because she’s hotter than napalm, but because she’s a renegade, a pioneer, a lone Fox who refuses to follow the crowd. She's the Cold, Hard Football Facts of Fox-ism, in other words.

 

Colby is a second-stringer in Roger Ailes' rotation who deservers a starting job on the primetime varsity someday.

 

Colby, for our money, combines two killer qualities:

 

One, she possesses a rack large so large that Home Depot could use it to hang pallets of power tools; and, two, she has a sexy big-city-girl voice (born in the Big Apple) that's so raspy that it sounds as if she gargles with sand each night, and with the dry, hardened, crumbled-up pieces of the hearts she breaks in trendy Manhattan cocktail bars after work.

This is Courtney Friel. Smoking hot model. Fox Fox. Apparently she says stuff from time to time on the air. We see her lips moving. That's true. But, honestly, we can't really remember if any words ever come out.

 

 

Yes, we realize Kelly is not the complete blazing smokefest that Friel is. But she's pretty close ... and she’s far more intriguing. 

 

Here's Kelly's story: Sometime around early 1970, a biology lab intern combined the DNA of a rabid bulldog, Mike Wallace, Antonin Scalia and Doris Day and gave us Megan Kelly. She’s a pit bull who lulls unsuspecting interviewees into a false sense of security with her dimples, perky pug nose and bleach-blonde locks, and then gleefully tears them a new a-hole with a smile and with her superior knowledge of tort law and Constitutional landmark rulings like Marbury vs. Madison.

 

She’s the type of girl you’d like to marry ... if you didn’t fear that one day you’d wake up with an ice pick through your heart as she carted off with all your money, your lifetime NRA membership and your signed autobiography of Chief Justice John Marshall.

 

Little-known fact: Kelly has slept with three leftist men in her life. Two died of heart attacks. One joined the John Birch Society the very next day. True story ... we heard about it on MSNBC.